Several weeks ago...well, over a month now, I met DDB at an academic conference. We went out for dinner and chatted over the several days of the conference and never quite made it to the final banquet. We were busy doing other things. After our 5-day beginning I left for home for a month. It ended up being good because we each had a lot of work to get done and we would not have accomplished this if we were together, but we did email almost daily and talked a couple of times on the phone. I anxiously checked my email multiple times every day just incase he had emailed me.
Now I am back and he is gone for a couple of days. We did manage to see each other for an hour before he left town. It was very good to see him. I wondered when I was at home what it would be like to see him again. Our meeting was so whirlwind that I have to admit that I had doubts regarding how I would feel upon seeing him again. I was so excited to see him and it felt good to just talk to him face-to-face. In some ways while I was home he felt like a dream; my life here did not see quite real while I was back home and he was part of that life. Its a funny thing.
Of course, now he is gone for 3 more days. I would like to be in town with him for several days at a time so we can work out some sort of regular schedule of seeing each other and fit each other into our real lives. As it is, so far we have always been rushed to see each other, to talk, or spend time together. I can't wait to just be able to sit with him and not worry about running off somewhere, to spend a day together to see how we get along over an extended period. I want to know how this is going to go and how well we get along in the real world. I know that is a lot to ask for, but I just want a real life and to have him as part of that. Who knows if we will last the month or the Summer or the year but I think we are each willing and interested to find that out.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Boys!!!
This post is slightly after-the-fact, but needs to be said.
My first year of PhD is now over and I am home for a couple of weeks. My first Sunday here I had a belated birthday party for myself. There were about 15 people there. J said he was coming but then didn't show up, didn't text, didn't email, didn't do anything. I assumed that something "more important" came up or that something happened to prevent him from coming so I let him alone to contact me when he could. Several days later I get a bitchy message about why I haven't contacted him. Me contact him? He is the one who no-showed my birthday and yet I am somehow at fault for this?
C, Ju and A all say that his actions are a clear indication of his feelings for me. For a long time they have thought that I was always there for him more than he was for me and that it really was a one-sided relationship. They are probably right, even though I saw a different side of him than what they have experienced through me.
Even so, if he wanted to talk to me then he could have contacted me. I replied to his message but haven't heard anything back. We are each so stubborn that neither will give in first, but I am tired of always being the one who gives in. Who accepts the blame for things that aren't my fault just to keep the peace. Its easier to appease him and move on with life than actually fight for what I feel...but I am now tired of that. I am tired of always being made to feel like I am always wrong and do things intentionally to hurt him.
I hate to think that our friendship is over and I have a lot of baggage worrying about him, but there are some new things happening in my life that make me want to move forward.
Several weeks ago I met D at MAA. He is sweet and funny and smart and totally cute. He isn't someone that you stare at from across the gym and think, "Wow, he is fucking hot," but then neither am I. Physical appearance has never been the first thing I have gone for anyway; the personality and brain have always been more attractive to me than large biceps. It was a whirlwind couple of days; we talked frequently and never made it to the closing banquet of the conference. ;-) I am trying not to fall too hard too quickly, but it is difficult. After getting to know him the little bit I have I am very attracted to him and find him absolutely enthralling. I can now say that he is hot.
When I return home in a couple of weeks I am very much looking forward to seeing him again and seeing what develops when we spend a real amount of time together. I know we are both interested in seeing where this goes and I am very excited about the possibilities.
My first year of PhD is now over and I am home for a couple of weeks. My first Sunday here I had a belated birthday party for myself. There were about 15 people there. J said he was coming but then didn't show up, didn't text, didn't email, didn't do anything. I assumed that something "more important" came up or that something happened to prevent him from coming so I let him alone to contact me when he could. Several days later I get a bitchy message about why I haven't contacted him. Me contact him? He is the one who no-showed my birthday and yet I am somehow at fault for this?
C, Ju and A all say that his actions are a clear indication of his feelings for me. For a long time they have thought that I was always there for him more than he was for me and that it really was a one-sided relationship. They are probably right, even though I saw a different side of him than what they have experienced through me.
Even so, if he wanted to talk to me then he could have contacted me. I replied to his message but haven't heard anything back. We are each so stubborn that neither will give in first, but I am tired of always being the one who gives in. Who accepts the blame for things that aren't my fault just to keep the peace. Its easier to appease him and move on with life than actually fight for what I feel...but I am now tired of that. I am tired of always being made to feel like I am always wrong and do things intentionally to hurt him.
I hate to think that our friendship is over and I have a lot of baggage worrying about him, but there are some new things happening in my life that make me want to move forward.
Several weeks ago I met D at MAA. He is sweet and funny and smart and totally cute. He isn't someone that you stare at from across the gym and think, "Wow, he is fucking hot," but then neither am I. Physical appearance has never been the first thing I have gone for anyway; the personality and brain have always been more attractive to me than large biceps. It was a whirlwind couple of days; we talked frequently and never made it to the closing banquet of the conference. ;-) I am trying not to fall too hard too quickly, but it is difficult. After getting to know him the little bit I have I am very attracted to him and find him absolutely enthralling. I can now say that he is hot.
When I return home in a couple of weeks I am very much looking forward to seeing him again and seeing what develops when we spend a real amount of time together. I know we are both interested in seeing where this goes and I am very excited about the possibilities.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Distance
The last couple of weeks have been something of a test to my friendship and ability to stay involved in friends' lives from a distance. I want to help...I will do almost anything for my friends and help them in whatever way I can and in whatever way they will let me. Now that I am in Toronto and 1200 miles from home I cannot help them they way that I want. Somehow ((hug)) via IM doesn't quite match up.
J was fired in early February, which began a bit of a downslide in other areas of his life. He still hasn't found a new job and is being evicted amidst other problems. He needs a friend...a shoulder...a hand...but I can't offer that.
C just got dumped by a guy whom he really cared about and was trying to make a long distance relationship work with. That also started what appears to be a bit of a downhill slide into self-doubt and almost self-hatred.
N told me tonight that he is HIV+. Now, there is NOTHING I can do about that and even if I were back home he would still be a couple of hours away, but the possibility of being able to help him would be a little more available.
At least with the magic of email and IM I am able to be in daily contact with them rather than having to wait for a letter several weeks after the event. I don't know if that makes things easier or harder, though. I can't really do anything to help my friends through their crises and yet the ability to even offer a shoulder or ear or entertaining dinner seems like something...but I can't even do that. I cannot solve everyone's problems, no matter how much I might want to and maybe this is the lesson I am supposed to learn by being so far away. I can only offer them what I can offer them, which is basically virtual or phone support...much like customer service.
J was fired in early February, which began a bit of a downslide in other areas of his life. He still hasn't found a new job and is being evicted amidst other problems. He needs a friend...a shoulder...a hand...but I can't offer that.
C just got dumped by a guy whom he really cared about and was trying to make a long distance relationship work with. That also started what appears to be a bit of a downhill slide into self-doubt and almost self-hatred.
N told me tonight that he is HIV+. Now, there is NOTHING I can do about that and even if I were back home he would still be a couple of hours away, but the possibility of being able to help him would be a little more available.
At least with the magic of email and IM I am able to be in daily contact with them rather than having to wait for a letter several weeks after the event. I don't know if that makes things easier or harder, though. I can't really do anything to help my friends through their crises and yet the ability to even offer a shoulder or ear or entertaining dinner seems like something...but I can't even do that. I cannot solve everyone's problems, no matter how much I might want to and maybe this is the lesson I am supposed to learn by being so far away. I can only offer them what I can offer them, which is basically virtual or phone support...much like customer service.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Feelings....nothing more than feelings
Can you be held responsible for other's feelings? If a comment you make is misunderstood or your intention is mistaken and this leads to someone getting hurt...is their fault to be placed?
Talking to J. everything was fine until at a certain point I don't even know what I said but J. thought I was making fun of him and got upset. I don't even know what I said but it was never my intention to be make fun of him. Why would I do that? Why would I make fun of the man I love???
And this is not the first time we have gone through this either. It has happened before and I worry about everything that I say in case it sets him off.
He thinks I was making fun of him, but that was never my intention and I don't think I was doing anything of the sort....I say that I am sorry it seemed like I was making fun of him but he is still upset. There is only so much I can do if he is upset and won't forgive me. I am supposed to see him tonight for New Years, but if he is still mad and doesn't want to see me then I guess that is that. Happy New Years!
I don't have that much time left in Dallas or that many opportunities left to see him. I don't want to spend what little time I have with him fighting or not speaking. I am tired of dealing with the nonsense and am just out of energy....and yet I don't want to do anything but see him. Ah, and therein lies the rub.
Talking to J. everything was fine until at a certain point I don't even know what I said but J. thought I was making fun of him and got upset. I don't even know what I said but it was never my intention to be make fun of him. Why would I do that? Why would I make fun of the man I love???
And this is not the first time we have gone through this either. It has happened before and I worry about everything that I say in case it sets him off.
He thinks I was making fun of him, but that was never my intention and I don't think I was doing anything of the sort....I say that I am sorry it seemed like I was making fun of him but he is still upset. There is only so much I can do if he is upset and won't forgive me. I am supposed to see him tonight for New Years, but if he is still mad and doesn't want to see me then I guess that is that. Happy New Years!
I don't have that much time left in Dallas or that many opportunities left to see him. I don't want to spend what little time I have with him fighting or not speaking. I am tired of dealing with the nonsense and am just out of energy....and yet I don't want to do anything but see him. Ah, and therein lies the rub.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
You can never go home again
I have only been in Toronto for 3 months (and I love it) but still was counting down the days until I came home for Christmas. I was/am so excited about seeing my friends and family again. The first couple of days back were really good, but driving around and visiting all of my old haunts again....I don't feel as much at home anymore. While I used to feel like a visitor in Toronto, now I feel like a visitor in Dallas. SMU felt different....Starbucks felt different somehow...even my old routines that I fell back into aren't quite the same. I know it is all part of growing up and changing and moving on with life, but the actual feelings associated with that are unsettling.
I saw J. Thursday night and took him to dinner for his birthday. It was wonderful to see him again and felt so good, but I was also very sad in a way. While talking I realized that our lives are going in two completely different directions. And while I don't think I ever thought our relationship was going to be permanent or was leading somewhere permanent, facing that idea was very difficult. He has so much going on in his life that is taking him far from the path he had planned that in a way I feel sorry for him because he has had to alter his dreams because of the actions of others. I am sure he doesn't regret it in the least, cuz that is the kind of guy he is, but it is still hard to watch others sacrafice their hopes and desires for others.
C. is dating someone now, too, even though he is in a touring show and lives in New York. C. is all giddy and lovestruck, which I am very happy for, but I am hoping that it works out and this man doesn't just see him as a temporary thing or a boy on the road. I don't think that is the case, but I still worry because C. has fallen so hard so fast. Again, whatever small dreams or hopes I had regarding C. have been crushed a little bit more because of this. I need to let go of these dreams and hopes that won't come true so I can truly move on with own life, but I have always like living in fantasy better than reality...things turn out there the way I want, and I like it that way.
Maybe this trip home will force me to focus more on myself and my life in Toronto rather than always looking back at what was or what might have been. I need to realize that life moves forward, not backward, and I need to start living like that.
I saw J. Thursday night and took him to dinner for his birthday. It was wonderful to see him again and felt so good, but I was also very sad in a way. While talking I realized that our lives are going in two completely different directions. And while I don't think I ever thought our relationship was going to be permanent or was leading somewhere permanent, facing that idea was very difficult. He has so much going on in his life that is taking him far from the path he had planned that in a way I feel sorry for him because he has had to alter his dreams because of the actions of others. I am sure he doesn't regret it in the least, cuz that is the kind of guy he is, but it is still hard to watch others sacrafice their hopes and desires for others.
C. is dating someone now, too, even though he is in a touring show and lives in New York. C. is all giddy and lovestruck, which I am very happy for, but I am hoping that it works out and this man doesn't just see him as a temporary thing or a boy on the road. I don't think that is the case, but I still worry because C. has fallen so hard so fast. Again, whatever small dreams or hopes I had regarding C. have been crushed a little bit more because of this. I need to let go of these dreams and hopes that won't come true so I can truly move on with own life, but I have always like living in fantasy better than reality...things turn out there the way I want, and I like it that way.
Maybe this trip home will force me to focus more on myself and my life in Toronto rather than always looking back at what was or what might have been. I need to realize that life moves forward, not backward, and I need to start living like that.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Is it time to go home yet?
I have been in Toronto since 4 September and today, 26 October, the full-blown homesickness hit. Walking back to my room from dinner tonight I felt the complete absense of my friends and the lack of their presence in my life. I am so busy up here that I often don't really feel the lack because I am too busy to, but those occassions when I stop to take a breath it starts to creep up on me, slowly reminding me of its place in my life.
There are several people here who I am friends with, or at least beginning friendships, but still nothing like the close, deep connections I have to people at home....those people who don't even have to ask me if something is wrong...those people who want to see me or spend time with me, and not because we have an assignment due...those people who you can sit with but not talk to and yet have a great time together.
I have been trying to call J for the past two weeks but he hasn't answered his phone, probably because some weird foreign number comes up, but he can always call me back. I told him to let me know when it was convenient for him and I would call then, but apparently no time has yet been convenient. He no longer has internet access at his house, as he is getting ready to move, so communication that way is very limited. One of the connections that is pivotally important to me feels like it has been severed. I haven't talked to him on the phone in probably a month. Its funny...but just hearing his voice on his voicemail when I would call helped and yet hurt at the same time. It was good to hear even his voice, granted via a recording, but it also made me realize the ache of missing him.
The same holds true for C. I am going to call him tonight, if I don't go downstairs to the pumpkin carving. I talk to him almost daily via IM/Chat but hearing a voice is something entirely different.
OK....I'll stop whining now.
There are several people here who I am friends with, or at least beginning friendships, but still nothing like the close, deep connections I have to people at home....those people who don't even have to ask me if something is wrong...those people who want to see me or spend time with me, and not because we have an assignment due...those people who you can sit with but not talk to and yet have a great time together.
I have been trying to call J for the past two weeks but he hasn't answered his phone, probably because some weird foreign number comes up, but he can always call me back. I told him to let me know when it was convenient for him and I would call then, but apparently no time has yet been convenient. He no longer has internet access at his house, as he is getting ready to move, so communication that way is very limited. One of the connections that is pivotally important to me feels like it has been severed. I haven't talked to him on the phone in probably a month. Its funny...but just hearing his voice on his voicemail when I would call helped and yet hurt at the same time. It was good to hear even his voice, granted via a recording, but it also made me realize the ache of missing him.
The same holds true for C. I am going to call him tonight, if I don't go downstairs to the pumpkin carving. I talk to him almost daily via IM/Chat but hearing a voice is something entirely different.
OK....I'll stop whining now.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Socializing
Since moving to Toronto I have been used to being pretty much on my own. It takes a while to make friends, and I think it is even worse in grad school because motives and lives are so different here. I am glad that I am in this dorm for the time being as there are always people around and we see each other at meals, so it is like being surrounded by a family...an odd family, but a family.
I never look forward to the weekends as they seem like so much time with nothing to do but be alone. Granted, I have a lot of reading and work to do, but there are times when you just want to sit and talk to someone uninvolved in what you are doing. I was excited this weekend because one of the other grad students here was going to drive me to IKEA to buy sheets for my bed. It was tons of fun and we ended up going to a mall to try to find her a wallet. She is totally cool but sadly leaving in December. I was prepared for this to be the excitement of my weekend and the rest of the weekend filled with a whole lot of nothing. Then, after IKEA the woman I TA with called to invite me over to her house for dinner. Yay! A social invitation. It was nice, again, to get out and see people outside of school. It was also nice not to eat in the cafeteria.
Sunday morning I got up and was on my way to Starbucks when I ran into another grad student who invited me to breakfast. Breakfast turned into a trip to the bookstore. Then I was to meet this gay undergrad who works in the department for coffee at 3pm. The coffee at 3pm evolved into shoe shopping at the downtown mall, afterwhich we got caught in the rain while walking back to campus. If I were sexually attracted to him this would have been quite romantic and/or pornographic, but alas, he is far too physically reminiscent of two other people in my life and that just works against him. If that weren't bad enough, I brought him back to my room to dry off where we ended up talking for 4 more hours. It was 10pm and we realized we never ate dinner and were hungry, so went to find something to eat. Basically, it was an 8-hour coffee.
I didn't get a damn thing done this weekend...none of the reading or work that I needed, but somehow spending the time being social and having the semblance of friends in this new city was probably much better for me than reading would have been. Now I have a lot of reading and catching up to do. Oh well....its worth it.
I never look forward to the weekends as they seem like so much time with nothing to do but be alone. Granted, I have a lot of reading and work to do, but there are times when you just want to sit and talk to someone uninvolved in what you are doing. I was excited this weekend because one of the other grad students here was going to drive me to IKEA to buy sheets for my bed. It was tons of fun and we ended up going to a mall to try to find her a wallet. She is totally cool but sadly leaving in December. I was prepared for this to be the excitement of my weekend and the rest of the weekend filled with a whole lot of nothing. Then, after IKEA the woman I TA with called to invite me over to her house for dinner. Yay! A social invitation. It was nice, again, to get out and see people outside of school. It was also nice not to eat in the cafeteria.
Sunday morning I got up and was on my way to Starbucks when I ran into another grad student who invited me to breakfast. Breakfast turned into a trip to the bookstore. Then I was to meet this gay undergrad who works in the department for coffee at 3pm. The coffee at 3pm evolved into shoe shopping at the downtown mall, afterwhich we got caught in the rain while walking back to campus. If I were sexually attracted to him this would have been quite romantic and/or pornographic, but alas, he is far too physically reminiscent of two other people in my life and that just works against him. If that weren't bad enough, I brought him back to my room to dry off where we ended up talking for 4 more hours. It was 10pm and we realized we never ate dinner and were hungry, so went to find something to eat. Basically, it was an 8-hour coffee.
I didn't get a damn thing done this weekend...none of the reading or work that I needed, but somehow spending the time being social and having the semblance of friends in this new city was probably much better for me than reading would have been. Now I have a lot of reading and catching up to do. Oh well....its worth it.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
A Moving Experience
On Monday, 4 September I moved from Dallas, TX to Toronto, ON, Canada to begin my PhD in Art History at the University of Toronto. This is a fantastic school and incredible program and really the best place for me; however, a move like this is also full of doubts, anxiety, fears, and lonliness. I left behind all of my friends and family to move to a (foreign) city where I know no one. Thankfully, through a friend of a friend I have a place to stay temporarily and someone who has taken great care of me and getting me settled in a new city. I still need to find a permanent place to live, though, and the two places I have looked at so far have are not going to work out. I am waiting to hear back from two others and am also applying to one of the dorms on campus. The dorm might be the best deal for me right now as I get used to the new city and find a better place to live for my remaining time here.
This is my first weekend here and the absense of my normal weekend routine is definitly felt. I longed for the time when I wouldn't have that routine, but now that it is gone I do miss it and feel rather lost without it. I need to find a new structure and routine to become accustomed to. Once classes start on Monday I am sure I will find it as then I will have loads of work to do to fill the idle hours. Once classes start I will also meet more people and hopefully develop some friendships that will serve me well here.
When I am busy I don't think about missing my friends and family so much but when I have little to do it seems like they are all that I think about. The lack of their presense in my daily life is greatly felt, even though, email and IM chats make up for a lot. In some ways I don't feel so far away because in many ways we can be in constant contact, but its the ability to see someone at a moment's notice that is so different. No longer can I meet my best friend for coffee or just to watch a movie. I know the relationship is still there, and will be for a very long time, but its the daily presense in my life that I miss. Once my time here is filled with schoolwork I won't have as much time to dwell on what I am lacking, and I hope I will develop some friendships that will help ease the loneliness. I need to make the most of this new adventure and phase of my life and not look back on it with any regrets.
This is my first weekend here and the absense of my normal weekend routine is definitly felt. I longed for the time when I wouldn't have that routine, but now that it is gone I do miss it and feel rather lost without it. I need to find a new structure and routine to become accustomed to. Once classes start on Monday I am sure I will find it as then I will have loads of work to do to fill the idle hours. Once classes start I will also meet more people and hopefully develop some friendships that will serve me well here.
When I am busy I don't think about missing my friends and family so much but when I have little to do it seems like they are all that I think about. The lack of their presense in my daily life is greatly felt, even though, email and IM chats make up for a lot. In some ways I don't feel so far away because in many ways we can be in constant contact, but its the ability to see someone at a moment's notice that is so different. No longer can I meet my best friend for coffee or just to watch a movie. I know the relationship is still there, and will be for a very long time, but its the daily presense in my life that I miss. Once my time here is filled with schoolwork I won't have as much time to dwell on what I am lacking, and I hope I will develop some friendships that will help ease the loneliness. I need to make the most of this new adventure and phase of my life and not look back on it with any regrets.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
What difference does age make?
A continuation of the 'Mis-Communication' post on 11 July...
The reason J was upset was that he found out his daughter was pregnant. A lot for a father to take. Now it is all understandable. Granted, he was a father at her age...a father of two kids, mind you. I am sure he wanted a different future for his kids than what he had, but kids also make their own choices no matter what a parent might say or do.
Anyway, J's daughter is now living with him, as will his grandchild be in 6 months. A disconcerting thought. He is not even 40...a father of 2 college-age students, and soon to be a grandfather. He was worried about telling me because he didn't know how I would react to his being a grandfather. It is a little odd to think about but it doesn't change who he is...and that is the man that I like and care about. So I am dating a grandfather...big deal.
I don't know where I expect this relationship to go. I am moving to Toronto in 2 weeks, at which point the personal relationship can't really grow anymore. He isn't moving to Toronto and I will be there for 5 years, and who knows where after that. I never expected this relationship to be permanent (I think) but also the realization that this man will soon have to help is young daughter take care of a baby changes things. She won't go anywhere as long as J is helping her with the kid and he wouldn't let her I am sure...I will be in Canada, so what does it really matter. I saw the look in his eyes that his life was over...what he planned and wanted to do would be put on hold again while he took care of his family. I know he doesn't regret any of it, but I wish he could have the life that he wants. It seems like everything he tries to do to change and do something new with his life is halted or changed by elements (more-or-less) outside of his control.
As I am leaving to seek out what I want I feel a bit guilty that my friends can't do the same thing. I know it isn't my fault or anything that I should be ashamed of, but still...they deserve some good opportunities, too.
The reason J was upset was that he found out his daughter was pregnant. A lot for a father to take. Now it is all understandable. Granted, he was a father at her age...a father of two kids, mind you. I am sure he wanted a different future for his kids than what he had, but kids also make their own choices no matter what a parent might say or do.
Anyway, J's daughter is now living with him, as will his grandchild be in 6 months. A disconcerting thought. He is not even 40...a father of 2 college-age students, and soon to be a grandfather. He was worried about telling me because he didn't know how I would react to his being a grandfather. It is a little odd to think about but it doesn't change who he is...and that is the man that I like and care about. So I am dating a grandfather...big deal.
I don't know where I expect this relationship to go. I am moving to Toronto in 2 weeks, at which point the personal relationship can't really grow anymore. He isn't moving to Toronto and I will be there for 5 years, and who knows where after that. I never expected this relationship to be permanent (I think) but also the realization that this man will soon have to help is young daughter take care of a baby changes things. She won't go anywhere as long as J is helping her with the kid and he wouldn't let her I am sure...I will be in Canada, so what does it really matter. I saw the look in his eyes that his life was over...what he planned and wanted to do would be put on hold again while he took care of his family. I know he doesn't regret any of it, but I wish he could have the life that he wants. It seems like everything he tries to do to change and do something new with his life is halted or changed by elements (more-or-less) outside of his control.
As I am leaving to seek out what I want I feel a bit guilty that my friends can't do the same thing. I know it isn't my fault or anything that I should be ashamed of, but still...they deserve some good opportunities, too.
Friday, August 04, 2006
They say change is good
Relationships change; this is a fact of life, which doesn't make it any easier to accept or deal with.
I am moving to another country in 4 weeks (actually, its closer to 3 now) so ALL of my relationships are going to change. I am leaving behind some of the greatest friends I have ever had, including my best friend, C, who is so much more than what those words can merely describe, and J, a man who I think I could fall in love with if our lives were more in sync. My moving is not going to change the way I feel about these people; however, the fact that we won't be able to see each other as we are used to doing, that we can't just meet for coffee or a movie whenever we want, that we can't be there for each other when things are getting rough does change the relationship. C will always be one of the most important people in my life no matter what directions each of our lives go in, and J is always going to have a special place in my heart and I may always wonder 'what if' with regard to our relationship.
I can only be glad and greatful that these two men and many other friends came into my life and are in it now, whether they like it or not. I will see them again...just not on the weekly or daily basis as I am accumstomed to doing.
Friendships aren't created because of mere proximity, nor are they forgotten through distance. No one knows what the future may hold or where any of us might end up, but I know that my friends will always be with me in my heart...where they couldn't be nearer to me.
I am moving to another country in 4 weeks (actually, its closer to 3 now) so ALL of my relationships are going to change. I am leaving behind some of the greatest friends I have ever had, including my best friend, C, who is so much more than what those words can merely describe, and J, a man who I think I could fall in love with if our lives were more in sync. My moving is not going to change the way I feel about these people; however, the fact that we won't be able to see each other as we are used to doing, that we can't just meet for coffee or a movie whenever we want, that we can't be there for each other when things are getting rough does change the relationship. C will always be one of the most important people in my life no matter what directions each of our lives go in, and J is always going to have a special place in my heart and I may always wonder 'what if' with regard to our relationship.
I can only be glad and greatful that these two men and many other friends came into my life and are in it now, whether they like it or not. I will see them again...just not on the weekly or daily basis as I am accumstomed to doing.
Friendships aren't created because of mere proximity, nor are they forgotten through distance. No one knows what the future may hold or where any of us might end up, but I know that my friends will always be with me in my heart...where they couldn't be nearer to me.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Mis-communications and mis-understandings
Relationships are hard enough without having problems communicating with the other person. Emotions are perceived and assumed which usually lead to more problems.
I asked a friend of mine/boy I have been dating, J, to go to a movie Friday night, but he didn't seem too interested, so I asked another friend, C, to go to the movies and let J know. Granted, I didn't handle this the best way possible but apparently J got mad that I "stood him up" and preferred to spend the evening with someone else. He refused to speak to me on Saturday; I ended up seeing him out that evening at a gay bar dancing with someone else. We didn't speak.
I don't see this as all my fault as I made my intentions and plans clear (or at least I thought) yet we are not responsible for how others react to our actions. His actions were little better. It just turned into an escalation of refused communication.
When I reopened the communication lines I had my head torn off for "standing him up" and was told that the world did not revolve around me and he had other things to worry about than me. As it turns out he is going through so bad family problems that arose Saturday evening. I have no control over that so I guess he is mad at me for not being there for him....I don't know.
All I can do now is be there for J, if he will let me. I can't do anything for him but offer support and a shoulder to lean on or hand to hold. My white knight complex gets a bit out of control at times and I think that I have to solve everyones' problems, not realizing that there is really nothing I can do but be an ear or a comfort to them, not their fixer or protector.
I refuse to accept all blame for this yet I somehow have the feeling that is what will happen. I am moving to Canada at the end of August--about 6 weeks--and I don't want to waste any time that I have left with my friends or the people that I care about arguing or fighting over petty issues...its not worth it.
I asked a friend of mine/boy I have been dating, J, to go to a movie Friday night, but he didn't seem too interested, so I asked another friend, C, to go to the movies and let J know. Granted, I didn't handle this the best way possible but apparently J got mad that I "stood him up" and preferred to spend the evening with someone else. He refused to speak to me on Saturday; I ended up seeing him out that evening at a gay bar dancing with someone else. We didn't speak.
I don't see this as all my fault as I made my intentions and plans clear (or at least I thought) yet we are not responsible for how others react to our actions. His actions were little better. It just turned into an escalation of refused communication.
When I reopened the communication lines I had my head torn off for "standing him up" and was told that the world did not revolve around me and he had other things to worry about than me. As it turns out he is going through so bad family problems that arose Saturday evening. I have no control over that so I guess he is mad at me for not being there for him....I don't know.
All I can do now is be there for J, if he will let me. I can't do anything for him but offer support and a shoulder to lean on or hand to hold. My white knight complex gets a bit out of control at times and I think that I have to solve everyones' problems, not realizing that there is really nothing I can do but be an ear or a comfort to them, not their fixer or protector.
I refuse to accept all blame for this yet I somehow have the feeling that is what will happen. I am moving to Canada at the end of August--about 6 weeks--and I don't want to waste any time that I have left with my friends or the people that I care about arguing or fighting over petty issues...its not worth it.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
My favorite quote
"...propriae ignorantiae occultatio cum ostentatione sapientiae apparentis."
--Roger Bacon, Opus Maius, 1267.
It means: The concealment of your own ignorance by the ostentation of apparent knowledge. I think that is a brillian statement. Of course, it was penned by a Medieval! Nuf said.
Boys are stupid; you should throw rocks at them
Granted, this whole thing is indeed my fault and I do realize that.
If I were the kind of person who was more open, who discussed what he was thinking and feeling, who let others into his life then I wouldn't be having these problems. But as it is, I keep everything bottled up inside me or don't think that the other person really wants to hear about my problems. Eventually, this line of reasoning always comes back to bite me in the arse...I should have learned that last time and remembered the lesson.
So I forgot to tell the guy that I am dating that I am going out of town for a week. In and of itself that is not maybe a really big deal, but when it is compounded on top of his pre-existing feelings of my inability to share or let him into my life...I think it was the final straw.
I have been dating J. for 4 months now and he has yet to come to my apartment. I have yet to invite him to my apartment. Not that I am particularly ashamed of it or have anything to hide, but his apartment is nicer and he has cable. I have also been rather stressed out lately over end of the semester school work and when I get stressed I become even more quiet than normal. Also, J. was my refuge away from school drama and those obligations...why would I want to talk about them in my safe place?
Anyway, these situations seemed to pile up culminating in my surprise trip....the moral of the story is that I am not allowed to contact J. for 3 weeks. Rightly so, he was upset and felt like he was dating a stranger; I am supposed to be deciding what I want, if I want him, if I want a relationship with him or just to be friends. While I think that the 3-week hiatus is a little uncalled for and things could have been easily resolved, this is what has happened.
Now that the semester is over and my stress level is greatly reduced, I feel much better, much more able to be open, and I am missing him terribly....and I still have 2 weeks to wait.
I know what I want (as I have always known) but moving to another country in 4 months makes things rather awkward. We can't get too serious since I am leaving, but I can't sit at home alone for the next 4 months either. I don't know what the future holds but I know who I want to spend my time with now.
If I were the kind of person who was more open, who discussed what he was thinking and feeling, who let others into his life then I wouldn't be having these problems. But as it is, I keep everything bottled up inside me or don't think that the other person really wants to hear about my problems. Eventually, this line of reasoning always comes back to bite me in the arse...I should have learned that last time and remembered the lesson.
So I forgot to tell the guy that I am dating that I am going out of town for a week. In and of itself that is not maybe a really big deal, but when it is compounded on top of his pre-existing feelings of my inability to share or let him into my life...I think it was the final straw.
I have been dating J. for 4 months now and he has yet to come to my apartment. I have yet to invite him to my apartment. Not that I am particularly ashamed of it or have anything to hide, but his apartment is nicer and he has cable. I have also been rather stressed out lately over end of the semester school work and when I get stressed I become even more quiet than normal. Also, J. was my refuge away from school drama and those obligations...why would I want to talk about them in my safe place?
Anyway, these situations seemed to pile up culminating in my surprise trip....the moral of the story is that I am not allowed to contact J. for 3 weeks. Rightly so, he was upset and felt like he was dating a stranger; I am supposed to be deciding what I want, if I want him, if I want a relationship with him or just to be friends. While I think that the 3-week hiatus is a little uncalled for and things could have been easily resolved, this is what has happened.
Now that the semester is over and my stress level is greatly reduced, I feel much better, much more able to be open, and I am missing him terribly....and I still have 2 weeks to wait.
I know what I want (as I have always known) but moving to another country in 4 months makes things rather awkward. We can't get too serious since I am leaving, but I can't sit at home alone for the next 4 months either. I don't know what the future holds but I know who I want to spend my time with now.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Life moments
I was told last night by a guy whom I slept with once that he was HIV+ and that I needed to get tested. My appointment is in 5 days and it will be a couple of days after that that I find out the results. This next week and a half is going to be hard...really hard.
The last 24 hours have not been the best. Naturally, there is little else I can do but think about it. What if? What if I am positive? What will this mean in my life? How will I tell people?
Thankfully, I have a fantastic group of supportive friends. Having them there just to listen--even though there isn't anything they can really say to comfort me--makes a real difference. A friend of mine is HIV+ and just telling him today somehow made me feel a lot better. He has gone through what I am going through and still going through so much of it, but he has a life and is healthy and happy. I know it isn't a death sentence anymore like it was 10-15-20 years ago and who knows what will happen in the next 10-15-20 years.
It is surprising how much better I feel tonight. I am not quite so all-consumed with worry. There is nothing I can do now about anything. No amount of worrying will change my blood...no matter what it does or doesn't contain.
No matter what the outcome these current two weeks will change my life.
The last 24 hours have not been the best. Naturally, there is little else I can do but think about it. What if? What if I am positive? What will this mean in my life? How will I tell people?
Thankfully, I have a fantastic group of supportive friends. Having them there just to listen--even though there isn't anything they can really say to comfort me--makes a real difference. A friend of mine is HIV+ and just telling him today somehow made me feel a lot better. He has gone through what I am going through and still going through so much of it, but he has a life and is healthy and happy. I know it isn't a death sentence anymore like it was 10-15-20 years ago and who knows what will happen in the next 10-15-20 years.
It is surprising how much better I feel tonight. I am not quite so all-consumed with worry. There is nothing I can do now about anything. No amount of worrying will change my blood...no matter what it does or doesn't contain.
No matter what the outcome these current two weeks will change my life.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
The word of the day
Today's dictionary.com Word of the Day is "dilatory."
dilatory \DIL-uh-tor-ee\, adjective:
1. Tending to put off what ought to be done at once; given to
procrastination.
2. Marked by procrastination or delay; intended to cause
delay; -- said of actions or measures.
I am moving to Long Island, NY in less than two weeks. I have not started packing a single thing yet. Packing is not the most fun or enticing activity that there is, but it still has to get done. A friend thinks that my dilatoriness regarding packing is related to my anxiety about the impending move...I am sure he is right. I am nervous about leaving a city I have been in for 22 years and moving across the country to a place where I don't know anyone. I am trying to be positive and know that this is a good move for me and everything will turn out great. We'll see.
Once I get to Long Island, though, I will start applying for PhD programs in Art History. I will barely be in Long Island for a year before I am off to another locale. I am pretty sure this Texan will survive for less than a year in New York, and if not, it should be an interesting adventure.
I have very mixed emotions about leaving, which I am sure is completely natural. There are tons of people who I am going to miss--friends and family--and it is going to be hard leaving my job (of which I only have 3 more days of). Its funny...I am realizing how I feel about certain people as it gets closer to leaving and I realize how much I am going to miss them. Someone who I thought was just a friend is going to leave a big whole in my life, while someone who is supposedly closer to me I am not too worried about. It is interesting how you may know someone for a length of time and never really think about them, until one day you look and it suddenly crystallizes how much you care about them. Kind of shocking but usually a very good feeling...unless, of course, you are getting ready to move across the country.
With the way that everyone is in daily, immediate contact through email and instant messenger moving away is not the detachment and loss that it maybe used to be. You may not see certain people everyday anymore, but you can practically have conversations with them through cyber space.
So, if the world is shrinking, why does it feel like I am moving so far away?
dilatory \DIL-uh-tor-ee\, adjective:
1. Tending to put off what ought to be done at once; given to
procrastination.
2. Marked by procrastination or delay; intended to cause
delay; -- said of actions or measures.
I am moving to Long Island, NY in less than two weeks. I have not started packing a single thing yet. Packing is not the most fun or enticing activity that there is, but it still has to get done. A friend thinks that my dilatoriness regarding packing is related to my anxiety about the impending move...I am sure he is right. I am nervous about leaving a city I have been in for 22 years and moving across the country to a place where I don't know anyone. I am trying to be positive and know that this is a good move for me and everything will turn out great. We'll see.
Once I get to Long Island, though, I will start applying for PhD programs in Art History. I will barely be in Long Island for a year before I am off to another locale. I am pretty sure this Texan will survive for less than a year in New York, and if not, it should be an interesting adventure.
I have very mixed emotions about leaving, which I am sure is completely natural. There are tons of people who I am going to miss--friends and family--and it is going to be hard leaving my job (of which I only have 3 more days of). Its funny...I am realizing how I feel about certain people as it gets closer to leaving and I realize how much I am going to miss them. Someone who I thought was just a friend is going to leave a big whole in my life, while someone who is supposedly closer to me I am not too worried about. It is interesting how you may know someone for a length of time and never really think about them, until one day you look and it suddenly crystallizes how much you care about them. Kind of shocking but usually a very good feeling...unless, of course, you are getting ready to move across the country.
With the way that everyone is in daily, immediate contact through email and instant messenger moving away is not the detachment and loss that it maybe used to be. You may not see certain people everyday anymore, but you can practically have conversations with them through cyber space.
So, if the world is shrinking, why does it feel like I am moving so far away?
Monday, July 18, 2005
They walk alike. They talk alike. Sometimes they even dress alike.
I am a self-identified voyeur. People-watching is one of my favorite activities...the mall, coffeeshops, restaurants, wherever. I am not criminal and I do not stalk people (contrary to popular opinion), but people, whether you only seem them once or repeatedly, are interesting.
With that in mind, my boyfriend and I were eating dinner Sunday evening at a restaurant in the gay-friendly area of town. (On a personal note, I forget the feeling of accepted community when there are other gay men around. There is just a different sense of self I get when I realize that I am not alone and that there are many like me. I don't think I am alone in feeling this way...maybe some of you feel the same way to some degree, maybe not.)
Anyway, as I sat in this restaurant my voyeuristic tendencies took control.
Next to us was a family of 5: man, woman, 3 kids; like so many in this area of Dallas they seemed nouveau-riche-soccer-mom-H3 kind of people. They were discussing relators and social clubs...actually, the woman was talking and the man was listening, which is probably why he was downing the Tecate like water. She also had a drink and was totally the Go-get-mommy-another-martini-then-go-play-outside type.
They were interesting, but not the focus of my attention. There were a number of tables of gay men: pairs, groups, mixed groups...the gamut. A couple of them were attractive and my attention was focused on them for more than mere observational purposes, but I digress. You could almost instantly pick out the gay men who were friends, partners, or fuck buddies--that last group wasn't quite as obvious, but I like to imagine.
Friends were easy...there seemed to be a certain aura around friends. Maybe they used to date, maybe they used to sleep together, but now it is strictly platonic.
Partners are the most interesting and entertaining. If you are gay and been with your partner for any amount of time, then Congratulations, but be warned...others might not be able to distinguish yourself from your partner. Gay partners, it seems, tend to look a lot like each other. Since gay men are already superficial, they tend to spend a lot of time at their local gym, and tend to prefer guys who do the same. The Narcissus complex is usually strong with such types and they tend to want to date themselves...so they find someone who looks like them, dresses like them (i.e. 20 years younger than they are), acts like them, etc. Out of the 5-6 couples observed over the course of an hour at this restaurant, at least 4 of them were like bookends. Now there were several couples who seemed to be interested in a little more diversity...different body types, tanning ability, hair color, etc., but they were in the minority.
I have discussed this observation with 3 other gay friends and they agree. So just keep your eyes open and see what you notice.
PS. I don't have the room here to discuss what some of these people were wearing, but needless-to-say it was quite the show. I will say this, though: a 45+ year old does not need to be wearing a yellow polo shirt with the collar up.
With that in mind, my boyfriend and I were eating dinner Sunday evening at a restaurant in the gay-friendly area of town. (On a personal note, I forget the feeling of accepted community when there are other gay men around. There is just a different sense of self I get when I realize that I am not alone and that there are many like me. I don't think I am alone in feeling this way...maybe some of you feel the same way to some degree, maybe not.)
Anyway, as I sat in this restaurant my voyeuristic tendencies took control.
Next to us was a family of 5: man, woman, 3 kids; like so many in this area of Dallas they seemed nouveau-riche-soccer-mom-H3 kind of people. They were discussing relators and social clubs...actually, the woman was talking and the man was listening, which is probably why he was downing the Tecate like water. She also had a drink and was totally the Go-get-mommy-another-martini-then-go-play-outside type.
They were interesting, but not the focus of my attention. There were a number of tables of gay men: pairs, groups, mixed groups...the gamut. A couple of them were attractive and my attention was focused on them for more than mere observational purposes, but I digress. You could almost instantly pick out the gay men who were friends, partners, or fuck buddies--that last group wasn't quite as obvious, but I like to imagine.
Friends were easy...there seemed to be a certain aura around friends. Maybe they used to date, maybe they used to sleep together, but now it is strictly platonic.
Partners are the most interesting and entertaining. If you are gay and been with your partner for any amount of time, then Congratulations, but be warned...others might not be able to distinguish yourself from your partner. Gay partners, it seems, tend to look a lot like each other. Since gay men are already superficial, they tend to spend a lot of time at their local gym, and tend to prefer guys who do the same. The Narcissus complex is usually strong with such types and they tend to want to date themselves...so they find someone who looks like them, dresses like them (i.e. 20 years younger than they are), acts like them, etc. Out of the 5-6 couples observed over the course of an hour at this restaurant, at least 4 of them were like bookends. Now there were several couples who seemed to be interested in a little more diversity...different body types, tanning ability, hair color, etc., but they were in the minority.
I have discussed this observation with 3 other gay friends and they agree. So just keep your eyes open and see what you notice.
PS. I don't have the room here to discuss what some of these people were wearing, but needless-to-say it was quite the show. I will say this, though: a 45+ year old does not need to be wearing a yellow polo shirt with the collar up.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Remembering London
This was posted on the ExLibris listserv today and I felt like copying and keeping it to remember.
As someone who still takes comfort in messages posted to this listKnowing several people who are, or soon to be, in London, even events so far away still hit close to home. If it is even possible for a positive to come out of this, then perhaps it is that more were not killed. From being in the Underground many times at 9am, I know how crowded it truly is. 12 hours after the 4 bombs went off the death toll is at 37 with about 700 injured and many, many more who are incredibly lucky.
following 9/11, let me say how much my thoughts are with friends and
colleagues, known and unknown, in London today. The long walk home is
something that is long remembered, all the more so by the knowledge that
not everyone will be "safe home." I remember the researchers who spent the
day of 9/11 with us here in the Rare Book and Manuscript Library at
Columbia University, as we tried to carry on business. They were very
patient with us, and we were grateful for them, knowing that they are a
good portion of the reason why we are here. Yes, as mentioned on another
list-serve today, London has seen and endured much worse, with witnesses
still alive to remember. New York, in general, had forgotten such things as
the fires of the American Revolutionary War and the draft riots of the
American Civil War. It is our job to keep the records of history available,
each in our own institutional collections, even when it is not so easy to
keep going with the day-to-day work at hand.
Jennifer B. Lee
Rare Book & Manuscript Library
Columbia University Libraries
Thursday, June 23, 2005
You talkin' to me?
I was sitting at Starbucks last night, minding my own business, reading my book about Jesus' teenage years, when a customer walks in. As is the custom, everytime someone walks in you quickly glance up at them. Well, I do this and he looks at me with this big shit-eating grin and says (rather loudly), "Oh! There you are."
I had no idea who this man was, so I am sure I had a rather odd look on my face. He realizes that he mistook me for someone else and apologizes profusely. He said that I looked exactly like the guy he was going to meet. Well, now the Alicia, Ben (Starbucks employees), and I can't wait to see my twin. The guy hangs out for a little bit, not purchasing coffee, then goes outside to meet someone on the sidewalk. HE LOOKED NOTHING LIKE ME!! Ok, sure, he had dark blonde/light brown short hair, but that was about it. They talk for a minute then leave.
The moral of the story is: when you are going to Starbucks to meet your internet gay sex hook-up, be sure you know well enough what he looks like before you talk to strangers.
Maybe I should post a Missed Connection on Craigslist and see what happens.
I had no idea who this man was, so I am sure I had a rather odd look on my face. He realizes that he mistook me for someone else and apologizes profusely. He said that I looked exactly like the guy he was going to meet. Well, now the Alicia, Ben (Starbucks employees), and I can't wait to see my twin. The guy hangs out for a little bit, not purchasing coffee, then goes outside to meet someone on the sidewalk. HE LOOKED NOTHING LIKE ME!! Ok, sure, he had dark blonde/light brown short hair, but that was about it. They talk for a minute then leave.
The moral of the story is: when you are going to Starbucks to meet your internet gay sex hook-up, be sure you know well enough what he looks like before you talk to strangers.
Maybe I should post a Missed Connection on Craigslist and see what happens.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Fufluns
Fufluns is an Etruscan god closely related to Bacchus and Dionysus; the god of the Grape and Fertility. Who gives their gods names like "Fufluns?" Seriously! No wonder the Roman decimated the Etruscans.
A very good friend of mine leaves today for 6 weeks on an Etruscan archaeological dig in Tuscany. Life will be considerably less exciting without her around all summer. Its funny how you grow to depend on people. We weren't very close until this past year, when her imaginary boyfriend and my imaginary girlfriend moved away...then we only had each other. Over the course of a year, you just become accumstomed to seeing that person, talking to that person, knowing that when you need something they will be there. Its hard when you first realize that that is temporarily gone. I reminded me of last year when my roommate left. All of a sudden I was on my own; I didn't have that constant companion; the house was quiet. You always get used to the change, but it is difficult at first and you don't like it much. Things are like that for a couple of days, but then you get over it and life goes on.
A very good friend of mine leaves today for 6 weeks on an Etruscan archaeological dig in Tuscany. Life will be considerably less exciting without her around all summer. Its funny how you grow to depend on people. We weren't very close until this past year, when her imaginary boyfriend and my imaginary girlfriend moved away...then we only had each other. Over the course of a year, you just become accumstomed to seeing that person, talking to that person, knowing that when you need something they will be there. Its hard when you first realize that that is temporarily gone. I reminded me of last year when my roommate left. All of a sudden I was on my own; I didn't have that constant companion; the house was quiet. You always get used to the change, but it is difficult at first and you don't like it much. Things are like that for a couple of days, but then you get over it and life goes on.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Words I hate
Guesstimate, and all its derivatives.
Pronunciation: 'ges-t&-m&t
Function: noun
Etymology: blend of guess and estimate
: an estimate usually made without adequate information
Isn't "an estimate made without adequate information" simply a guess?
From the OED:1936 N.Y. Times 22 Dec., ‘Guesstimates’ is the word frequently used by the statisticians and population experts. 1943 N.Y. Times 19 July 4/6 Many Americans..think the Axis..will be defeated in less than two years. Intangibles..might make this popular ‘guestimate’ close to correct. 1948 Jrnl. R. Aeronaut. Soc. LII. 614/2 The former is a firm figure which arises in fact. The latter is an arbitrary ‘guesstimate’. 1957 R. WATSON-WATT Three Steps to Victory liii. 316 This mixture of estimates and guestimates comes out better than we deserve, for the Opana clock was very unlikely to agree with whatever clocks and watches were consulted in the aircraft and in Pearl Harbor. 1967 New Scientist 24 Aug. 373/2 Faced with engineering problems of this magnitude, £20 million is likely to prove as elusive a ‘guesstimate’ as the original figure for Concord. 1970 Daily Tel. 1 Oct. 19 (Advt.), £1000 tax free clear profit... This is proved performance
not an optimistic guesstimate.
Pronunciation: 'ges-t&-m&t
Function: noun
Etymology: blend of guess and estimate
: an estimate usually made without adequate information
Isn't "an estimate made without adequate information" simply a guess?
From the OED:
not Hence 
guesstimate
tmationguesstimator
Naturally the first usage of it would be American.
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