So has ended the first week of my second year of PhD. I am so not excited about this semester and don't have any motivation or energy to do anything. This is not good and I hope that it goes away soon. ASC's seminar was bizarre this week but probably only because it was the first week and he was tired from jetlag. Margaret of Austria is probably going to be interesting but I don't have much of an opinion of EMK yet.
DDB came over last night to show me his new BR pants.....then we did other things while his pants were off. I finally realized that he is rather immature--emotionally really more so than anything else--which probably explains a lot. He is a great guy but not for me. That realization made me let go of the last bit of hope that I was holding onto that there would be more between us. I was rather sad last night. I was fixated on what I wanted him to be rather than what he was; or maybe I thought he would change or I could change him, which we all know never works out.
R and C both tell me to stop screwing around with him, which is the best advice, which is also the hardest to take. It doesn't really do any harm for us to have some fun, now that I know I am not holding onto some feelings for him. We need to do things as friends and not just fuck buddies, because I know neither of us want this to turn into that.
I guess we can only wait to see how the friendship develops when we are just friends.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Sunday, August 05, 2007
More changes
This was my last week for softball. I'm going to miss it...it was so much fun and I surprised myself at how well I did. I am not that terribly bad 5th grader anymore. Who knew?!
After the game we went to Rowers for a few pints. While there and sitting with DDB he turned to me and said, "Wanna come home with me?" What was I going to say, No??? So of course after a little bit of time we leave together. I am sure everyone was talking. They are mainly his friends so he is the one who will probably have to deal with anything, if anything is ever said.
He made it clear that it was just "fun," which was actually find with me. I am not kidding myself that we are getting back together (no matter what is going on in my head). He was slightly drunk and horny and I was there; that is the beginning and end of the story. It was a good evening. We have always had fun in bed and it was nice to feel him again. And yet....we never sleep well when we are together. Even though we were in a big bed and not crammed into my twin, we were both restless all night long. Odd. I usually haven't had trouble sleeping with guys before, whether I knew them or not, liked them or not, and yet with DDB it happens. Maybe that is some greater sign of our real feelings for each other. I'd to think that that isn't the case, but the fact that both of us do it makes me wonder.
When we were together I didn't feel like everything was perfect; I didn't have those feelings of ecstasy that come with being with the person you are in love with, so I know I am not really in love with him...and yet, when he is not around I think about him constantly. Maybe I only want him because he apparently doesn't want me, except for the odd night of fucking. We always want what we can't have. I need to get over it and him for my own sake.
I am going back home this week, but first going to DC and Baltimore for Rare Book School. So excited!! And I am going to look at blockbooks at the LC. It should be a great week. The home for 2 weeks then back up here before school starts again. I am sure while I am home I will see JU, and I know what I would like to happen between us but I am just speaking for myself, even though he has hinted at the same thing. Maybe getting fucked by someone else will help get DDB off of my mind. Can't wait for the Mexican food either. And going to get to see CWE in his stage debut. Should be a nice trip home.
While home I need to tell mom and dad that I am gay. When I was home earlier in the Summer I imagined doing it so I could tell them about D, but since that isn't the way it will be now....AND I have to tell them for me, not because of a boy. They need to know the truth and I need to tell them. I can't be afraid anymore. I have learned so much up here about myself and who I am that I have to be true to that and not revert to that scared little boy that I used to be.
After the game we went to Rowers for a few pints. While there and sitting with DDB he turned to me and said, "Wanna come home with me?" What was I going to say, No??? So of course after a little bit of time we leave together. I am sure everyone was talking. They are mainly his friends so he is the one who will probably have to deal with anything, if anything is ever said.
He made it clear that it was just "fun," which was actually find with me. I am not kidding myself that we are getting back together (no matter what is going on in my head). He was slightly drunk and horny and I was there; that is the beginning and end of the story. It was a good evening. We have always had fun in bed and it was nice to feel him again. And yet....we never sleep well when we are together. Even though we were in a big bed and not crammed into my twin, we were both restless all night long. Odd. I usually haven't had trouble sleeping with guys before, whether I knew them or not, liked them or not, and yet with DDB it happens. Maybe that is some greater sign of our real feelings for each other. I'd to think that that isn't the case, but the fact that both of us do it makes me wonder.
When we were together I didn't feel like everything was perfect; I didn't have those feelings of ecstasy that come with being with the person you are in love with, so I know I am not really in love with him...and yet, when he is not around I think about him constantly. Maybe I only want him because he apparently doesn't want me, except for the odd night of fucking. We always want what we can't have. I need to get over it and him for my own sake.
I am going back home this week, but first going to DC and Baltimore for Rare Book School. So excited!! And I am going to look at blockbooks at the LC. It should be a great week. The home for 2 weeks then back up here before school starts again. I am sure while I am home I will see JU, and I know what I would like to happen between us but I am just speaking for myself, even though he has hinted at the same thing. Maybe getting fucked by someone else will help get DDB off of my mind. Can't wait for the Mexican food either. And going to get to see CWE in his stage debut. Should be a nice trip home.
While home I need to tell mom and dad that I am gay. When I was home earlier in the Summer I imagined doing it so I could tell them about D, but since that isn't the way it will be now....AND I have to tell them for me, not because of a boy. They need to know the truth and I need to tell them. I can't be afraid anymore. I have learned so much up here about myself and who I am that I have to be true to that and not revert to that scared little boy that I used to be.
Friday, June 22, 2007
End of the line
I saw D Tuesday for lunch and everything seemed fine. I even told him about J not talking to me for periods of time because I had made him mad and then how his not talking to me freaked me out some. He apologized for that, but I should have seen it as a sign. If he was truly interested then, yes, he would have invited me to concerts, lunches, out for drinks to meet his friends...but nothing.
Wednesday night he came over to tell me that although he thought I was fantastic and hot that he still didn't feel "it." I took it very well and then we went to have ice cream....and then came back here and had sex.
I know I had doubts about the relationship as well, but I was willing to give it the Summer and an extended period of time of us spending some time together. I just don't feel like we were given a chance. After we met I was home for a month, then he was gone, and then the last 2 weeks he had the music workshop; in reality, we have only had about 2 weeks of actual dating and the opportunity to see each other. I didn't think I was that into him, but for the last 2 days I have felt like crap and wasn't able to eat anything the day after. I guess I had fallen a little bit harder than I thought.
I still can't quite figure it out, though. I was/am not sure of my feelings toward him, and yet my brain had projected into the future all of the things we would do together. Maybe I am not as upset about the loss of D, himself, but about the loss of what he stood for and what he brought to my life. Its the loss of all of those future plans that is also hard to take. I had convinced myself that he was the perfect man for me: a grad student with similar, but not identical, interests and we shared a lot of other interests that would have brought us together.
Maybe the way I feel is how everyone feels when someone tells them that it isn't working. I have never really known that before: things with DM sort of fizzled away, I broke up with SM, and JU is another whole story, which also just sort of went away without anyone saying much. I have never actually been dumped. Maybe these are the thoughts that always run through the dumpee's head. It probably also isn't good for me to hold on to the hope that things might change one day or he might realize that he made a mistake...you never know what the future holds, but I have to let that go and if it happens, then we will see what develops then, but if it doesn't happen, then I am crushed all over again.
The main thing is: again, I am alone. Maybe I am one of those people who functions better in a relationship, or at least with a codependent friendship like I have with C.
Wednesday night he came over to tell me that although he thought I was fantastic and hot that he still didn't feel "it." I took it very well and then we went to have ice cream....and then came back here and had sex.
I know I had doubts about the relationship as well, but I was willing to give it the Summer and an extended period of time of us spending some time together. I just don't feel like we were given a chance. After we met I was home for a month, then he was gone, and then the last 2 weeks he had the music workshop; in reality, we have only had about 2 weeks of actual dating and the opportunity to see each other. I didn't think I was that into him, but for the last 2 days I have felt like crap and wasn't able to eat anything the day after. I guess I had fallen a little bit harder than I thought.
I still can't quite figure it out, though. I was/am not sure of my feelings toward him, and yet my brain had projected into the future all of the things we would do together. Maybe I am not as upset about the loss of D, himself, but about the loss of what he stood for and what he brought to my life. Its the loss of all of those future plans that is also hard to take. I had convinced myself that he was the perfect man for me: a grad student with similar, but not identical, interests and we shared a lot of other interests that would have brought us together.
Maybe the way I feel is how everyone feels when someone tells them that it isn't working. I have never really known that before: things with DM sort of fizzled away, I broke up with SM, and JU is another whole story, which also just sort of went away without anyone saying much. I have never actually been dumped. Maybe these are the thoughts that always run through the dumpee's head. It probably also isn't good for me to hold on to the hope that things might change one day or he might realize that he made a mistake...you never know what the future holds, but I have to let that go and if it happens, then we will see what develops then, but if it doesn't happen, then I am crushed all over again.
The main thing is: again, I am alone. Maybe I am one of those people who functions better in a relationship, or at least with a codependent friendship like I have with C.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
I don't understand why
Today is Thursday. I haven't heard from D since Monday when I went to his concert. He said he would email. I have emailed him every night since then and never get a response. I am trying to tell myself it is only because he is tired and very busy with the workshop and not because he has lost interest or is now ignoring me....or, like so often happened with J, that I did/said something that pissed him off so he is refusing to speak to me. I can't get into another situation like that. I don't want to worry about everything I say or do pissing him off and it being a week of silence before I find out what is going on.
Although, as I said before, D and I haven't really been dating that long and I don't know how serious he is about me (I am not so sure about my own part, for that matter), so why am I so upset about not hearing from him??? He isn't obligated to email me every night--he isn't obligated to email me at all--usually, I just like my emails to be acknowledged in some form or fashion. He's busy; I have to understand that. He has friends in town, whom he only gets to see once or twice a year and with whom he wants/needs to spend time. I can't be greedy with him limited time. I can only be patient and wait until the workshop is over and he contacts me when he has time.
In addition to this, some amount of homesickness and lonliness has hit me this Summer. I wish I could see Chris and talk to June about this stuff in person. Telling them through email isn't the same as getting that reassuring hug or sympathetic look. As with weekends, I hate the unstructuredness of Summer....there is too much time to sit and think. Thinking....bad.
Although, as I said before, D and I haven't really been dating that long and I don't know how serious he is about me (I am not so sure about my own part, for that matter), so why am I so upset about not hearing from him??? He isn't obligated to email me every night--he isn't obligated to email me at all--usually, I just like my emails to be acknowledged in some form or fashion. He's busy; I have to understand that. He has friends in town, whom he only gets to see once or twice a year and with whom he wants/needs to spend time. I can't be greedy with him limited time. I can only be patient and wait until the workshop is over and he contacts me when he has time.
In addition to this, some amount of homesickness and lonliness has hit me this Summer. I wish I could see Chris and talk to June about this stuff in person. Telling them through email isn't the same as getting that reassuring hug or sympathetic look. As with weekends, I hate the unstructuredness of Summer....there is too much time to sit and think. Thinking....bad.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
One for the crapper
Today sucks!!
First of all, I went to see D's Baroque music concert yesterday. It was good to see him but I didn't get much from him. Granted, he was "working" and thinking about his performance, there were other people around, and maybe he was unnerved at having his spheres come together. Even talking afterwards, he didn't say much about wanting to see me. He is busy and has other things on his mind, surely...I must remember this. Still, its hard when I don't get an email from him, currently our only method of contact while he is in this workshop. I always get a bit depressed when I don't hear from him because I have to wait another day until I get the chance again. I also don't fully understand why he hasn't ever invited me out after they get done for the day. I need to quit focusing on all of these things and just wait until this is over and I can talk to him again.
Secondly, I got an email today that the woman in Vienna is doing exactly what I want for my dissertation on US. A total blow. I knew she was working on him so this really isn't any surprise. EW says that my dissertation will be different and more interested in the "big picture" than her's is. Still...I don't want to tread on her territory, but also, I have been working on him as well for several years, and have my own rights to work on him. I will have to change my tactics if US is going to be part of my dissertation, and I will try to ask different questions, but right now, it is hard to see that.
I also talked to J for a long time last night....he is hard to talk to considering everything that is going on in his life and it is just draining to listen to. I don't feel the need to intervene anymore, which is good, but it is still hard to listen.
Today has just worn me down. I need a drink...or several.
First of all, I went to see D's Baroque music concert yesterday. It was good to see him but I didn't get much from him. Granted, he was "working" and thinking about his performance, there were other people around, and maybe he was unnerved at having his spheres come together. Even talking afterwards, he didn't say much about wanting to see me. He is busy and has other things on his mind, surely...I must remember this. Still, its hard when I don't get an email from him, currently our only method of contact while he is in this workshop. I always get a bit depressed when I don't hear from him because I have to wait another day until I get the chance again. I also don't fully understand why he hasn't ever invited me out after they get done for the day. I need to quit focusing on all of these things and just wait until this is over and I can talk to him again.
Secondly, I got an email today that the woman in Vienna is doing exactly what I want for my dissertation on US. A total blow. I knew she was working on him so this really isn't any surprise. EW says that my dissertation will be different and more interested in the "big picture" than her's is. Still...I don't want to tread on her territory, but also, I have been working on him as well for several years, and have my own rights to work on him. I will have to change my tactics if US is going to be part of my dissertation, and I will try to ask different questions, but right now, it is hard to see that.
I also talked to J for a long time last night....he is hard to talk to considering everything that is going on in his life and it is just draining to listen to. I don't feel the need to intervene anymore, which is good, but it is still hard to listen.
Today has just worn me down. I need a drink...or several.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Overreact much?
Things are good with DDB, or as I sometimes call him, Daniel Striped Tiger. He is at a music workshop for the next 2 weeks that goes from 9am-9pm everyday, so he won't have much extra time to see me. I am OK with this...it will be hard but we each need to do our own things and I don't want to be so demanding of his time so soon. I shouldn't be that demanding of his time anyway.
When we talked the other day he said that he took things very slow when dating someone and that he still wasn't totally sure....I am assuming he meant about his feelings for me. I told him that that was perfectly fine, as it is sort of the same state that I am in. There is no rush for either of us to try to force this into being a serious relationship. Its also Summer and we will each be gone at different points for weeks at a time...if we didn't mind not seeing each other for extended periods of time then this 'relationship' would have ended before it had barely begun.
In other news, so far I have had 2 weeks of Latin review, and the MA course starts in earnest on Monday. Eek! Since it has been 4 years since my last real Latin class (the Vulgate translation tutorial doesn't really count) I had a lot of review to do. I had completely fogotten so many of the grammar constructions....no wonder I failed the exam. I need to keep reviewing them before, and during, the MA class and try to rebuild my vocabulary. Its so hard!!!
ASC wants me to find a dissertation topic by the end of the Summer. It makes sense, but I still don't really know how to go about finding one. I have two ideas for topics involving C15 binders and illuminators, but if those don't pan out I have no idea what to do. EMW suggested something with blockbooks, which is an option. I know very little about them, so if my two ideas don't work I will have to do some quick research into blockbooks.
Rome and Carnivale are the two news loves of my life. I just discovered that the 2nd Season of Rome won't play on my computer and I don't have the next Carnivale disks to take its place. Its going to be a long, hard weekend...and I don't even have DDB.
When we talked the other day he said that he took things very slow when dating someone and that he still wasn't totally sure....I am assuming he meant about his feelings for me. I told him that that was perfectly fine, as it is sort of the same state that I am in. There is no rush for either of us to try to force this into being a serious relationship. Its also Summer and we will each be gone at different points for weeks at a time...if we didn't mind not seeing each other for extended periods of time then this 'relationship' would have ended before it had barely begun.
In other news, so far I have had 2 weeks of Latin review, and the MA course starts in earnest on Monday. Eek! Since it has been 4 years since my last real Latin class (the Vulgate translation tutorial doesn't really count) I had a lot of review to do. I had completely fogotten so many of the grammar constructions....no wonder I failed the exam. I need to keep reviewing them before, and during, the MA class and try to rebuild my vocabulary. Its so hard!!!
ASC wants me to find a dissertation topic by the end of the Summer. It makes sense, but I still don't really know how to go about finding one. I have two ideas for topics involving C15 binders and illuminators, but if those don't pan out I have no idea what to do. EMW suggested something with blockbooks, which is an option. I know very little about them, so if my two ideas don't work I will have to do some quick research into blockbooks.
Rome and Carnivale are the two news loves of my life. I just discovered that the 2nd Season of Rome won't play on my computer and I don't have the next Carnivale disks to take its place. Its going to be a long, hard weekend...and I don't even have DDB.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
I am never a home to Mr. Bitter-bottom
I don't want to be bitter and these events (by and large) are no one's fault and there is no blame to place.
Another grad student, with who I am actually very good friends, is currently working for our mutual advisor. This is not so bad, except for a few things: 1) the research he is doing is in my subject area. This man does architecture and sculpture and yet the research is dealing with manuscripts...MY research area. It would have been nice if I had the opportunity to work on this project and with our advisor. I don't know how he scored this position and it happened while I was out of town, so I really can't be mad. Half of these research positions is being at the right place at the right time...clearly, he was while I was in Dallas. 2) Also, the money for the position would have been very nice to earn. This other guy is VERY WELL funded and does not need to worry about money...some of us are not so lucky. The money would have been nice.
This other graduate student is also presenting a paper at an upcoming academic conference, the title of which is drawn directly from a comment I made about his paper when we were in class together and a suggestion on the direction his research might take. I am not taking responsibility for his work, but it would have been nice if he mentioned (at any point in the last 5 months that we have spoken) that my comment turned his research around and helped him to break new ground. The conference awards $1500 to the best graduate student paper (and 2 awards of $1000 for the next 2 best) and knowing his luck and work, he will get $1500.....oh good, more money.
I don't want to be bitter...I'm just a little frustrated.
Another grad student, with who I am actually very good friends, is currently working for our mutual advisor. This is not so bad, except for a few things: 1) the research he is doing is in my subject area. This man does architecture and sculpture and yet the research is dealing with manuscripts...MY research area. It would have been nice if I had the opportunity to work on this project and with our advisor. I don't know how he scored this position and it happened while I was out of town, so I really can't be mad. Half of these research positions is being at the right place at the right time...clearly, he was while I was in Dallas. 2) Also, the money for the position would have been very nice to earn. This other guy is VERY WELL funded and does not need to worry about money...some of us are not so lucky. The money would have been nice.
This other graduate student is also presenting a paper at an upcoming academic conference, the title of which is drawn directly from a comment I made about his paper when we were in class together and a suggestion on the direction his research might take. I am not taking responsibility for his work, but it would have been nice if he mentioned (at any point in the last 5 months that we have spoken) that my comment turned his research around and helped him to break new ground. The conference awards $1500 to the best graduate student paper (and 2 awards of $1000 for the next 2 best) and knowing his luck and work, he will get $1500.....oh good, more money.
I don't want to be bitter...I'm just a little frustrated.
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