Boys!!!

This post is slightly after-the-fact, but needs to be said.

My first year of PhD is now over and I am home for a couple of weeks. My first Sunday here I had a belated birthday party for myself. There were about 15 people there. J said he was coming but then didn't show up, didn't text, didn't email, didn't do anything. I assumed that something "more important" came up or that something happened to prevent him from coming so I let him alone to contact me when he could. Several days later I get a bitchy message about why I haven't contacted him. Me contact him? He is the one who no-showed my birthday and yet I am somehow at fault for this?

C, Ju and A all say that his actions are a clear indication of his feelings for me. For a long time they have thought that I was always there for him more than he was for me and that it really was a one-sided relationship. They are probably right, even though I saw a different side of him than what they have experienced through me.

Even so, if he wanted to talk to me then he could have contacted me. I replied to his message but haven't heard anything back. We are each so stubborn that neither will give in first, but I am tired of always being the one who gives in. Who accepts the blame for things that aren't my fault just to keep the peace. Its easier to appease him and move on with life than actually fight for what I feel...but I am now tired of that. I am tired of always being made to feel like I am always wrong and do things intentionally to hurt him.

I hate to think that our friendship is over and I have a lot of baggage worrying about him, but there are some new things happening in my life that make me want to move forward.

Several weeks ago I met D at MAA. He is sweet and funny and smart and totally cute. He isn't someone that you stare at from across the gym and think, "Wow, he is fucking hot," but then neither am I. Physical appearance has never been the first thing I have gone for anyway; the personality and brain have always been more attractive to me than large biceps. It was a whirlwind couple of days; we talked frequently and never made it to the closing banquet of the conference. ;-) I am trying not to fall too hard too quickly, but it is difficult. After getting to know him the little bit I have I am very attracted to him and find him absolutely enthralling. I can now say that he is hot.

When I return home in a couple of weeks I am very much looking forward to seeing him again and seeing what develops when we spend a real amount of time together. I know we are both interested in seeing where this goes and I am very excited about the possibilities.