Boys are stupid; you should throw rocks at them

Granted, this whole thing is indeed my fault and I do realize that.

If I were the kind of person who was more open, who discussed what he was thinking and feeling, who let others into his life then I wouldn't be having these problems. But as it is, I keep everything bottled up inside me or don't think that the other person really wants to hear about my problems. Eventually, this line of reasoning always comes back to bite me in the arse...I should have learned that last time and remembered the lesson.

So I forgot to tell the guy that I am dating that I am going out of town for a week. In and of itself that is not maybe a really big deal, but when it is compounded on top of his pre-existing feelings of my inability to share or let him into my life...I think it was the final straw.

I have been dating J. for 4 months now and he has yet to come to my apartment. I have yet to invite him to my apartment. Not that I am particularly ashamed of it or have anything to hide, but his apartment is nicer and he has cable. I have also been rather stressed out lately over end of the semester school work and when I get stressed I become even more quiet than normal. Also, J. was my refuge away from school drama and those obligations...why would I want to talk about them in my safe place?

Anyway, these situations seemed to pile up culminating in my surprise trip....the moral of the story is that I am not allowed to contact J. for 3 weeks. Rightly so, he was upset and felt like he was dating a stranger; I am supposed to be deciding what I want, if I want him, if I want a relationship with him or just to be friends. While I think that the 3-week hiatus is a little uncalled for and things could have been easily resolved, this is what has happened.

Now that the semester is over and my stress level is greatly reduced, I feel much better, much more able to be open, and I am missing him terribly....and I still have 2 weeks to wait.

I know what I want (as I have always known) but moving to another country in 4 months makes things rather awkward. We can't get too serious since I am leaving, but I can't sit at home alone for the next 4 months either. I don't know what the future holds but I know who I want to spend my time with now.