What difference does age make?

A continuation of the 'Mis-Communication' post on 11 July...

The reason J was upset was that he found out his daughter was pregnant. A lot for a father to take. Now it is all understandable. Granted, he was a father at her age...a father of two kids, mind you. I am sure he wanted a different future for his kids than what he had, but kids also make their own choices no matter what a parent might say or do.

Anyway, J's daughter is now living with him, as will his grandchild be in 6 months. A disconcerting thought. He is not even 40...a father of 2 college-age students, and soon to be a grandfather. He was worried about telling me because he didn't know how I would react to his being a grandfather. It is a little odd to think about but it doesn't change who he is...and that is the man that I like and care about. So I am dating a grandfather...big deal.

I don't know where I expect this relationship to go. I am moving to Toronto in 2 weeks, at which point the personal relationship can't really grow anymore. He isn't moving to Toronto and I will be there for 5 years, and who knows where after that. I never expected this relationship to be permanent (I think) but also the realization that this man will soon have to help is young daughter take care of a baby changes things. She won't go anywhere as long as J is helping her with the kid and he wouldn't let her I am sure...I will be in Canada, so what does it really matter. I saw the look in his eyes that his life was over...what he planned and wanted to do would be put on hold again while he took care of his family. I know he doesn't regret any of it, but I wish he could have the life that he wants. It seems like everything he tries to do to change and do something new with his life is halted or changed by elements (more-or-less) outside of his control.

As I am leaving to seek out what I want I feel a bit guilty that my friends can't do the same thing. I know it isn't my fault or anything that I should be ashamed of, but still...they deserve some good opportunities, too.

They say change is good

Relationships change; this is a fact of life, which doesn't make it any easier to accept or deal with.

I am moving to another country in 4 weeks (actually, its closer to 3 now) so ALL of my relationships are going to change. I am leaving behind some of the greatest friends I have ever had, including my best friend, C, who is so much more than what those words can merely describe, and J, a man who I think I could fall in love with if our lives were more in sync. My moving is not going to change the way I feel about these people; however, the fact that we won't be able to see each other as we are used to doing, that we can't just meet for coffee or a movie whenever we want, that we can't be there for each other when things are getting rough does change the relationship. C will always be one of the most important people in my life no matter what directions each of our lives go in, and J is always going to have a special place in my heart and I may always wonder 'what if' with regard to our relationship.

I can only be glad and greatful that these two men and many other friends came into my life and are in it now, whether they like it or not. I will see them again...just not on the weekly or daily basis as I am accumstomed to doing.

Friendships aren't created because of mere proximity, nor are they forgotten through distance. No one knows what the future may hold or where any of us might end up, but I know that my friends will always be with me in my heart...where they couldn't be nearer to me.

Mis-communications and mis-understandings

Relationships are hard enough without having problems communicating with the other person. Emotions are perceived and assumed which usually lead to more problems.

I asked a friend of mine/boy I have been dating, J, to go to a movie Friday night, but he didn't seem too interested, so I asked another friend, C, to go to the movies and let J know. Granted, I didn't handle this the best way possible but apparently J got mad that I "stood him up" and preferred to spend the evening with someone else. He refused to speak to me on Saturday; I ended up seeing him out that evening at a gay bar dancing with someone else. We didn't speak.

I don't see this as all my fault as I made my intentions and plans clear (or at least I thought) yet we are not responsible for how others react to our actions. His actions were little better. It just turned into an escalation of refused communication.

When I reopened the communication lines I had my head torn off for "standing him up" and was told that the world did not revolve around me and he had other things to worry about than me. As it turns out he is going through so bad family problems that arose Saturday evening. I have no control over that so I guess he is mad at me for not being there for him....I don't know.

All I can do now is be there for J, if he will let me. I can't do anything for him but offer support and a shoulder to lean on or hand to hold. My white knight complex gets a bit out of control at times and I think that I have to solve everyones' problems, not realizing that there is really nothing I can do but be an ear or a comfort to them, not their fixer or protector.

I refuse to accept all blame for this yet I somehow have the feeling that is what will happen. I am moving to Canada at the end of August--about 6 weeks--and I don't want to waste any time that I have left with my friends or the people that I care about arguing or fighting over petty issues...its not worth it.

My favorite quote

"...propriae ignorantiae occultatio cum ostentatione sapientiae apparentis."

--Roger Bacon, Opus Maius, 1267.

It means: The concealment of your own ignorance by the ostentation of apparent knowledge. I think that is a brillian statement. Of course, it was penned by a Medieval! Nuf said.

Boys are stupid; you should throw rocks at them

Granted, this whole thing is indeed my fault and I do realize that.

If I were the kind of person who was more open, who discussed what he was thinking and feeling, who let others into his life then I wouldn't be having these problems. But as it is, I keep everything bottled up inside me or don't think that the other person really wants to hear about my problems. Eventually, this line of reasoning always comes back to bite me in the arse...I should have learned that last time and remembered the lesson.

So I forgot to tell the guy that I am dating that I am going out of town for a week. In and of itself that is not maybe a really big deal, but when it is compounded on top of his pre-existing feelings of my inability to share or let him into my life...I think it was the final straw.

I have been dating J. for 4 months now and he has yet to come to my apartment. I have yet to invite him to my apartment. Not that I am particularly ashamed of it or have anything to hide, but his apartment is nicer and he has cable. I have also been rather stressed out lately over end of the semester school work and when I get stressed I become even more quiet than normal. Also, J. was my refuge away from school drama and those obligations...why would I want to talk about them in my safe place?

Anyway, these situations seemed to pile up culminating in my surprise trip....the moral of the story is that I am not allowed to contact J. for 3 weeks. Rightly so, he was upset and felt like he was dating a stranger; I am supposed to be deciding what I want, if I want him, if I want a relationship with him or just to be friends. While I think that the 3-week hiatus is a little uncalled for and things could have been easily resolved, this is what has happened.

Now that the semester is over and my stress level is greatly reduced, I feel much better, much more able to be open, and I am missing him terribly....and I still have 2 weeks to wait.

I know what I want (as I have always known) but moving to another country in 4 months makes things rather awkward. We can't get too serious since I am leaving, but I can't sit at home alone for the next 4 months either. I don't know what the future holds but I know who I want to spend my time with now.

Life moments

I was told last night by a guy whom I slept with once that he was HIV+ and that I needed to get tested. My appointment is in 5 days and it will be a couple of days after that that I find out the results. This next week and a half is going to be hard...really hard.

The last 24 hours have not been the best. Naturally, there is little else I can do but think about it. What if? What if I am positive? What will this mean in my life? How will I tell people?

Thankfully, I have a fantastic group of supportive friends. Having them there just to listen--even though there isn't anything they can really say to comfort me--makes a real difference. A friend of mine is HIV+ and just telling him today somehow made me feel a lot better. He has gone through what I am going through and still going through so much of it, but he has a life and is healthy and happy. I know it isn't a death sentence anymore like it was 10-15-20 years ago and who knows what will happen in the next 10-15-20 years.

It is surprising how much better I feel tonight. I am not quite so all-consumed with worry. There is nothing I can do now about anything. No amount of worrying will change my blood...no matter what it does or doesn't contain.

No matter what the outcome these current two weeks will change my life.

The word of the day

Today's dictionary.com Word of the Day is "dilatory."

dilatory \DIL-uh-tor-ee\, adjective:
1. Tending to put off what ought to be done at once; given to
procrastination.
2. Marked by procrastination or delay; intended to cause
delay; -- said of actions or measures.

I am moving to Long Island, NY in less than two weeks. I have not started packing a single thing yet. Packing is not the most fun or enticing activity that there is, but it still has to get done. A friend thinks that my dilatoriness regarding packing is related to my anxiety about the impending move...I am sure he is right. I am nervous about leaving a city I have been in for 22 years and moving across the country to a place where I don't know anyone. I am trying to be positive and know that this is a good move for me and everything will turn out great. We'll see.

Once I get to Long Island, though, I will start applying for PhD programs in Art History. I will barely be in Long Island for a year before I am off to another locale. I am pretty sure this Texan will survive for less than a year in New York, and if not, it should be an interesting adventure.

I have very mixed emotions about leaving, which I am sure is completely natural. There are tons of people who I am going to miss--friends and family--and it is going to be hard leaving my job (of which I only have 3 more days of). Its funny...I am realizing how I feel about certain people as it gets closer to leaving and I realize how much I am going to miss them. Someone who I thought was just a friend is going to leave a big whole in my life, while someone who is supposedly closer to me I am not too worried about. It is interesting how you may know someone for a length of time and never really think about them, until one day you look and it suddenly crystallizes how much you care about them. Kind of shocking but usually a very good feeling...unless, of course, you are getting ready to move across the country.

With the way that everyone is in daily, immediate contact through email and instant messenger moving away is not the detachment and loss that it maybe used to be. You may not see certain people everyday anymore, but you can practically have conversations with them through cyber space.

So, if the world is shrinking, why does it feel like I am moving so far away?

They walk alike. They talk alike. Sometimes they even dress alike.

I am a self-identified voyeur. People-watching is one of my favorite activities...the mall, coffeeshops, restaurants, wherever. I am not criminal and I do not stalk people (contrary to popular opinion), but people, whether you only seem them once or repeatedly, are interesting.

With that in mind, my boyfriend and I were eating dinner Sunday evening at a restaurant in the gay-friendly area of town. (On a personal note, I forget the feeling of accepted community when there are other gay men around. There is just a different sense of self I get when I realize that I am not alone and that there are many like me. I don't think I am alone in feeling this way...maybe some of you feel the same way to some degree, maybe not.)

Anyway, as I sat in this restaurant my voyeuristic tendencies took control.

Next to us was a family of 5: man, woman, 3 kids; like so many in this area of Dallas they seemed nouveau-riche-soccer-mom-H3 kind of people. They were discussing relators and social clubs...actually, the woman was talking and the man was listening, which is probably why he was downing the Tecate like water. She also had a drink and was totally the Go-get-mommy-another-martini-then-go-play-outside type.

They were interesting, but not the focus of my attention. There were a number of tables of gay men: pairs, groups, mixed groups...the gamut. A couple of them were attractive and my attention was focused on them for more than mere observational purposes, but I digress. You could almost instantly pick out the gay men who were friends, partners, or fuck buddies--that last group wasn't quite as obvious, but I like to imagine.

Friends were easy...there seemed to be a certain aura around friends. Maybe they used to date, maybe they used to sleep together, but now it is strictly platonic.

Partners are the most interesting and entertaining. If you are gay and been with your partner for any amount of time, then Congratulations, but be warned...others might not be able to distinguish yourself from your partner. Gay partners, it seems, tend to look a lot like each other. Since gay men are already superficial, they tend to spend a lot of time at their local gym, and tend to prefer guys who do the same. The Narcissus complex is usually strong with such types and they tend to want to date themselves...so they find someone who looks like them, dresses like them (i.e. 20 years younger than they are), acts like them, etc. Out of the 5-6 couples observed over the course of an hour at this restaurant, at least 4 of them were like bookends. Now there were several couples who seemed to be interested in a little more diversity...different body types, tanning ability, hair color, etc., but they were in the minority.

I have discussed this observation with 3 other gay friends and they agree. So just keep your eyes open and see what you notice.

PS. I don't have the room here to discuss what some of these people were wearing, but needless-to-say it was quite the show. I will say this, though: a 45+ year old does not need to be wearing a yellow polo shirt with the collar up.

Remembering London

This was posted on the ExLibris listserv today and I felt like copying and keeping it to remember.

As someone who still takes comfort in messages posted to this list
following 9/11, let me say how much my thoughts are with friends and
colleagues, known and unknown, in London today. The long walk home is
something that is long remembered, all the more so by the knowledge that
not everyone will be "safe home." I remember the researchers who spent the
day of 9/11 with us here in the Rare Book and Manuscript Library at
Columbia University, as we tried to carry on business. They were very
patient with us, and we were grateful for them, knowing that they are a
good portion of the reason why we are here. Yes, as mentioned on another
list-serve today, London has seen and endured much worse, with witnesses
still alive to remember. New York, in general, had forgotten such things as
the fires of the American Revolutionary War and the draft riots of the
American Civil War. It is our job to keep the records of history available,
each in our own institutional collections, even when it is not so easy to
keep going with the day-to-day work at hand.

Jennifer B. Lee
Rare Book & Manuscript Library
Columbia University Libraries

Knowing several people who are, or soon to be, in London, even events so far away still hit close to home. If it is even possible for a positive to come out of this, then perhaps it is that more were not killed. From being in the Underground many times at 9am, I know how crowded it truly is. 12 hours after the 4 bombs went off the death toll is at 37 with about 700 injured and many, many more who are incredibly lucky.

You talkin' to me?

I was sitting at Starbucks last night, minding my own business, reading my book about Jesus' teenage years, when a customer walks in. As is the custom, everytime someone walks in you quickly glance up at them. Well, I do this and he looks at me with this big shit-eating grin and says (rather loudly), "Oh! There you are."

I had no idea who this man was, so I am sure I had a rather odd look on my face. He realizes that he mistook me for someone else and apologizes profusely. He said that I looked exactly like the guy he was going to meet. Well, now the Alicia, Ben (Starbucks employees), and I can't wait to see my twin. The guy hangs out for a little bit, not purchasing coffee, then goes outside to meet someone on the sidewalk. HE LOOKED NOTHING LIKE ME!! Ok, sure, he had dark blonde/light brown short hair, but that was about it. They talk for a minute then leave.

The moral of the story is: when you are going to Starbucks to meet your internet gay sex hook-up, be sure you know well enough what he looks like before you talk to strangers.

Maybe I should post a Missed Connection on Craigslist and see what happens.

Fufluns

Fufluns is an Etruscan god closely related to Bacchus and Dionysus; the god of the Grape and Fertility. Who gives their gods names like "Fufluns?" Seriously! No wonder the Roman decimated the Etruscans.

A very good friend of mine leaves today for 6 weeks on an Etruscan archaeological dig in Tuscany. Life will be considerably less exciting without her around all summer. Its funny how you grow to depend on people. We weren't very close until this past year, when her imaginary boyfriend and my imaginary girlfriend moved away...then we only had each other. Over the course of a year, you just become accumstomed to seeing that person, talking to that person, knowing that when you need something they will be there. Its hard when you first realize that that is temporarily gone. I reminded me of last year when my roommate left. All of a sudden I was on my own; I didn't have that constant companion; the house was quiet. You always get used to the change, but it is difficult at first and you don't like it much. Things are like that for a couple of days, but then you get over it and life goes on.

Words I hate

Guesstimate, and all its derivatives.

Pronunciation: 'ges-t&-m&t
Function: noun
Etymology: blend of guess and estimate
: an estimate usually made without adequate information

Isn't "an estimate made without adequate information" simply a guess?

From the OED: 1936 N.Y. Times 22 Dec., ‘Guesstimates’ is the word frequently used by the statisticians and population experts. 1943 N.Y. Times 19 July 4/6 Many Americans..think the Axis..will be defeated in less than two years. Intangibles..might make this popular ‘guestimate’ close to correct. 1948 Jrnl. R. Aeronaut. Soc. LII. 614/2 The former is a firm figure which arises in fact. The latter is an arbitrary ‘guesstimate’. 1957 R. WATSON-WATT Three Steps to Victory liii. 316 This mixture of estimates and guestimates comes out better than we deserve, for the Opana clock was very unlikely to agree with whatever clocks and watches were consulted in the aircraft and in Pearl Harbor. 1967 New Scientist 24 Aug. 373/2 Faced with engineering problems of this magnitude, £20 million is likely to prove as elusive a ‘guesstimate’ as the original figure for Concord. 1970 Daily Tel. 1 Oct. 19 (Advt.), £1000 tax free clear profit... This is proved performancenot an optimistic guesstimate.

Hence guesstimate (-et) v. trans. and intr., guesstimation, guesstimator.

1937 D. C. T. BENNETT Compl. Air Navigator v. 152 ‘Guess-timation’ is an art in navigation which should not generally be encouraged. 1942 BERREY & VAN DEN BARK Amer. Thes. Slang §179.5 Guesstimate, blend of ‘guess’ and ‘estimate’. 1943 in Amer. Speech (1944) XIX. 149/2 At no time in the past has so much depended upon the correct guesstimation of the tactical requirements of the future. 1948 Elks Mag. Oct. 11 One conservative guesstimator predicts 375,000 [television] sets in the country by January 1. 1950 Jrnl. R. Aeronaut. Soc. LIV. 175/1 50,000 lb...he had arrived at by a bit of ‘guesstimating’. 1969 Daily Tel. (Colour Suppl.) 31 Jan. 32/3 The experts can ‘guesstimate’ how much gas is there [sc. under the North Sea], but there is no sure way of telling.

Naturally the first usage of it would be American.

The evils of email

I applied for a scholarship from my employer to help with my Masters degree. I have been anxiously awaiting their decision, thinking that I had a pretty good chance at getting it. I found out today that because a part of the application was missing, I wasn't even considered.

I am sure this was my fault and I just forgot to put all parts of the application in the envelope--although I swear that I did--and I swear that I checked to make sure everything was there several times. Still, something was missing.

You would think that someone could have let me know if something was missing before the application was turned over to the committee, but apparently this was hoping for too much.

When I found out about their decision, I questioned it myself, then forwarded the responded email to my boss, with an attached comment blowing of some steam at those involved in the process. With the best of intentions my boss also questions the decision, but he included my rant in his letter to the powers-that-be.

Things just aren't working out too well. At least I have calmed down enough where I am not shaking with fury anymore....and that's a good thing.

Liza One Note

Not trying to too strongly fit the stereotype of the gay man, I went to a Liza Minelli concert Wednesday night. Now, I am not a big fan of Liza’s; however, she is something of an icon and Lord knows there was going to be excellent people-watching at this event. Rarely do you get to see aging gay men rubbing elbows with rich old people and society folk. Anywhere where there are either gay men or society people, there will be some interesting clothing choices, including the sheer green "dress" with the saftey pin design and the man carrying the sequined Louis Vuitton evening bag a la Blanche Devereaux.

It was one of the most surreal evenings I have ever experienced. The concert itself was actually quite good...she is nothing if not an entertainer. It was a benefit for a local charity, so after everyone got through congratulating themselves, the magic began.

I would never have believed it had I not seen it for myself, but she really is a living charicature of herself. She mentioned "mama" and everyone applauded. She forgot the words to a song, stopped to look at the music and everyone applauded. She swivelled her bionic hips and everyone applauded.

Is it wrong that I enjoyed myself?

Blog virginus et alia

This is my first endeavor with blogging. We'll see how it goes.

The title is my favorite Latin word, spelled the Medieval Latin way. If you have been paying attention, there have already seen several references to 'Medieval' and 'Latin' and this is only the 4th sentence. Yes, I am a big medieval studies nerd, but most of you already knew this. I have a 14th-century soul and if I believe my chakra cleanser/energy worker/herbalist it goes all the way back to Celtic times, which is also not a surprise for those of you who know me.

I decided to create this blog out of sheer boredom, actually. My boss has been gone for the past two days, and after 3pm I am the only one in the office. While there are many times I crave to have nothing to do, to much of a good thing is really aggravating. Also, there seem to be some big changes looming on the horizon of my life, so I figured it might be a good idea to start keeping track of these things somehow. I have never been consistent with keeping a journal so hopes are not too high for the longevity of this blog...but then again, I may surprise myself. Stay tuned.

PS. 21 April 753 BC was the day that Rome was founded. Happy 2758^th Birthday Eternal City!!