Feelings....nothing more than feelings

Can you be held responsible for other's feelings? If a comment you make is misunderstood or your intention is mistaken and this leads to someone getting hurt...is their fault to be placed?

Talking to J. everything was fine until at a certain point I don't even know what I said but J. thought I was making fun of him and got upset. I don't even know what I said but it was never my intention to be make fun of him. Why would I do that? Why would I make fun of the man I love???

And this is not the first time we have gone through this either. It has happened before and I worry about everything that I say in case it sets him off.

He thinks I was making fun of him, but that was never my intention and I don't think I was doing anything of the sort....I say that I am sorry it seemed like I was making fun of him but he is still upset. There is only so much I can do if he is upset and won't forgive me. I am supposed to see him tonight for New Years, but if he is still mad and doesn't want to see me then I guess that is that. Happy New Years!

I don't have that much time left in Dallas or that many opportunities left to see him. I don't want to spend what little time I have with him fighting or not speaking. I am tired of dealing with the nonsense and am just out of energy....and yet I don't want to do anything but see him. Ah, and therein lies the rub.

You can never go home again

I have only been in Toronto for 3 months (and I love it) but still was counting down the days until I came home for Christmas. I was/am so excited about seeing my friends and family again. The first couple of days back were really good, but driving around and visiting all of my old haunts again....I don't feel as much at home anymore. While I used to feel like a visitor in Toronto, now I feel like a visitor in Dallas. SMU felt different....Starbucks felt different somehow...even my old routines that I fell back into aren't quite the same. I know it is all part of growing up and changing and moving on with life, but the actual feelings associated with that are unsettling.

I saw J. Thursday night and took him to dinner for his birthday. It was wonderful to see him again and felt so good, but I was also very sad in a way. While talking I realized that our lives are going in two completely different directions. And while I don't think I ever thought our relationship was going to be permanent or was leading somewhere permanent, facing that idea was very difficult. He has so much going on in his life that is taking him far from the path he had planned that in a way I feel sorry for him because he has had to alter his dreams because of the actions of others. I am sure he doesn't regret it in the least, cuz that is the kind of guy he is, but it is still hard to watch others sacrafice their hopes and desires for others.

C. is dating someone now, too, even though he is in a touring show and lives in New York. C. is all giddy and lovestruck, which I am very happy for, but I am hoping that it works out and this man doesn't just see him as a temporary thing or a boy on the road. I don't think that is the case, but I still worry because C. has fallen so hard so fast. Again, whatever small dreams or hopes I had regarding C. have been crushed a little bit more because of this. I need to let go of these dreams and hopes that won't come true so I can truly move on with own life, but I have always like living in fantasy better than reality...things turn out there the way I want, and I like it that way.

Maybe this trip home will force me to focus more on myself and my life in Toronto rather than always looking back at what was or what might have been. I need to realize that life moves forward, not backward, and I need to start living like that.

Is it time to go home yet?

I have been in Toronto since 4 September and today, 26 October, the full-blown homesickness hit. Walking back to my room from dinner tonight I felt the complete absense of my friends and the lack of their presence in my life. I am so busy up here that I often don't really feel the lack because I am too busy to, but those occassions when I stop to take a breath it starts to creep up on me, slowly reminding me of its place in my life.

There are several people here who I am friends with, or at least beginning friendships, but still nothing like the close, deep connections I have to people at home....those people who don't even have to ask me if something is wrong...those people who want to see me or spend time with me, and not because we have an assignment due...those people who you can sit with but not talk to and yet have a great time together.

I have been trying to call J for the past two weeks but he hasn't answered his phone, probably because some weird foreign number comes up, but he can always call me back. I told him to let me know when it was convenient for him and I would call then, but apparently no time has yet been convenient. He no longer has internet access at his house, as he is getting ready to move, so communication that way is very limited. One of the connections that is pivotally important to me feels like it has been severed. I haven't talked to him on the phone in probably a month. Its funny...but just hearing his voice on his voicemail when I would call helped and yet hurt at the same time. It was good to hear even his voice, granted via a recording, but it also made me realize the ache of missing him.

The same holds true for C. I am going to call him tonight, if I don't go downstairs to the pumpkin carving. I talk to him almost daily via IM/Chat but hearing a voice is something entirely different.

OK....I'll stop whining now.

Socializing

Since moving to Toronto I have been used to being pretty much on my own. It takes a while to make friends, and I think it is even worse in grad school because motives and lives are so different here. I am glad that I am in this dorm for the time being as there are always people around and we see each other at meals, so it is like being surrounded by a family...an odd family, but a family.

I never look forward to the weekends as they seem like so much time with nothing to do but be alone. Granted, I have a lot of reading and work to do, but there are times when you just want to sit and talk to someone uninvolved in what you are doing. I was excited this weekend because one of the other grad students here was going to drive me to IKEA to buy sheets for my bed. It was tons of fun and we ended up going to a mall to try to find her a wallet. She is totally cool but sadly leaving in December. I was prepared for this to be the excitement of my weekend and the rest of the weekend filled with a whole lot of nothing. Then, after IKEA the woman I TA with called to invite me over to her house for dinner. Yay! A social invitation. It was nice, again, to get out and see people outside of school. It was also nice not to eat in the cafeteria.

Sunday morning I got up and was on my way to Starbucks when I ran into another grad student who invited me to breakfast. Breakfast turned into a trip to the bookstore. Then I was to meet this gay undergrad who works in the department for coffee at 3pm. The coffee at 3pm evolved into shoe shopping at the downtown mall, afterwhich we got caught in the rain while walking back to campus. If I were sexually attracted to him this would have been quite romantic and/or pornographic, but alas, he is far too physically reminiscent of two other people in my life and that just works against him. If that weren't bad enough, I brought him back to my room to dry off where we ended up talking for 4 more hours. It was 10pm and we realized we never ate dinner and were hungry, so went to find something to eat. Basically, it was an 8-hour coffee.

I didn't get a damn thing done this weekend...none of the reading or work that I needed, but somehow spending the time being social and having the semblance of friends in this new city was probably much better for me than reading would have been. Now I have a lot of reading and catching up to do. Oh well....its worth it.

A Moving Experience

On Monday, 4 September I moved from Dallas, TX to Toronto, ON, Canada to begin my PhD in Art History at the University of Toronto. This is a fantastic school and incredible program and really the best place for me; however, a move like this is also full of doubts, anxiety, fears, and lonliness. I left behind all of my friends and family to move to a (foreign) city where I know no one. Thankfully, through a friend of a friend I have a place to stay temporarily and someone who has taken great care of me and getting me settled in a new city. I still need to find a permanent place to live, though, and the two places I have looked at so far have are not going to work out. I am waiting to hear back from two others and am also applying to one of the dorms on campus. The dorm might be the best deal for me right now as I get used to the new city and find a better place to live for my remaining time here.

This is my first weekend here and the absense of my normal weekend routine is definitly felt. I longed for the time when I wouldn't have that routine, but now that it is gone I do miss it and feel rather lost without it. I need to find a new structure and routine to become accustomed to. Once classes start on Monday I am sure I will find it as then I will have loads of work to do to fill the idle hours. Once classes start I will also meet more people and hopefully develop some friendships that will serve me well here.

When I am busy I don't think about missing my friends and family so much but when I have little to do it seems like they are all that I think about. The lack of their presense in my daily life is greatly felt, even though, email and IM chats make up for a lot. In some ways I don't feel so far away because in many ways we can be in constant contact, but its the ability to see someone at a moment's notice that is so different. No longer can I meet my best friend for coffee or just to watch a movie. I know the relationship is still there, and will be for a very long time, but its the daily presense in my life that I miss. Once my time here is filled with schoolwork I won't have as much time to dwell on what I am lacking, and I hope I will develop some friendships that will help ease the loneliness. I need to make the most of this new adventure and phase of my life and not look back on it with any regrets.

What difference does age make?

A continuation of the 'Mis-Communication' post on 11 July...

The reason J was upset was that he found out his daughter was pregnant. A lot for a father to take. Now it is all understandable. Granted, he was a father at her age...a father of two kids, mind you. I am sure he wanted a different future for his kids than what he had, but kids also make their own choices no matter what a parent might say or do.

Anyway, J's daughter is now living with him, as will his grandchild be in 6 months. A disconcerting thought. He is not even 40...a father of 2 college-age students, and soon to be a grandfather. He was worried about telling me because he didn't know how I would react to his being a grandfather. It is a little odd to think about but it doesn't change who he is...and that is the man that I like and care about. So I am dating a grandfather...big deal.

I don't know where I expect this relationship to go. I am moving to Toronto in 2 weeks, at which point the personal relationship can't really grow anymore. He isn't moving to Toronto and I will be there for 5 years, and who knows where after that. I never expected this relationship to be permanent (I think) but also the realization that this man will soon have to help is young daughter take care of a baby changes things. She won't go anywhere as long as J is helping her with the kid and he wouldn't let her I am sure...I will be in Canada, so what does it really matter. I saw the look in his eyes that his life was over...what he planned and wanted to do would be put on hold again while he took care of his family. I know he doesn't regret any of it, but I wish he could have the life that he wants. It seems like everything he tries to do to change and do something new with his life is halted or changed by elements (more-or-less) outside of his control.

As I am leaving to seek out what I want I feel a bit guilty that my friends can't do the same thing. I know it isn't my fault or anything that I should be ashamed of, but still...they deserve some good opportunities, too.

They say change is good

Relationships change; this is a fact of life, which doesn't make it any easier to accept or deal with.

I am moving to another country in 4 weeks (actually, its closer to 3 now) so ALL of my relationships are going to change. I am leaving behind some of the greatest friends I have ever had, including my best friend, C, who is so much more than what those words can merely describe, and J, a man who I think I could fall in love with if our lives were more in sync. My moving is not going to change the way I feel about these people; however, the fact that we won't be able to see each other as we are used to doing, that we can't just meet for coffee or a movie whenever we want, that we can't be there for each other when things are getting rough does change the relationship. C will always be one of the most important people in my life no matter what directions each of our lives go in, and J is always going to have a special place in my heart and I may always wonder 'what if' with regard to our relationship.

I can only be glad and greatful that these two men and many other friends came into my life and are in it now, whether they like it or not. I will see them again...just not on the weekly or daily basis as I am accumstomed to doing.

Friendships aren't created because of mere proximity, nor are they forgotten through distance. No one knows what the future may hold or where any of us might end up, but I know that my friends will always be with me in my heart...where they couldn't be nearer to me.

Mis-communications and mis-understandings

Relationships are hard enough without having problems communicating with the other person. Emotions are perceived and assumed which usually lead to more problems.

I asked a friend of mine/boy I have been dating, J, to go to a movie Friday night, but he didn't seem too interested, so I asked another friend, C, to go to the movies and let J know. Granted, I didn't handle this the best way possible but apparently J got mad that I "stood him up" and preferred to spend the evening with someone else. He refused to speak to me on Saturday; I ended up seeing him out that evening at a gay bar dancing with someone else. We didn't speak.

I don't see this as all my fault as I made my intentions and plans clear (or at least I thought) yet we are not responsible for how others react to our actions. His actions were little better. It just turned into an escalation of refused communication.

When I reopened the communication lines I had my head torn off for "standing him up" and was told that the world did not revolve around me and he had other things to worry about than me. As it turns out he is going through so bad family problems that arose Saturday evening. I have no control over that so I guess he is mad at me for not being there for him....I don't know.

All I can do now is be there for J, if he will let me. I can't do anything for him but offer support and a shoulder to lean on or hand to hold. My white knight complex gets a bit out of control at times and I think that I have to solve everyones' problems, not realizing that there is really nothing I can do but be an ear or a comfort to them, not their fixer or protector.

I refuse to accept all blame for this yet I somehow have the feeling that is what will happen. I am moving to Canada at the end of August--about 6 weeks--and I don't want to waste any time that I have left with my friends or the people that I care about arguing or fighting over petty issues...its not worth it.

My favorite quote

"...propriae ignorantiae occultatio cum ostentatione sapientiae apparentis."

--Roger Bacon, Opus Maius, 1267.

It means: The concealment of your own ignorance by the ostentation of apparent knowledge. I think that is a brillian statement. Of course, it was penned by a Medieval! Nuf said.

Boys are stupid; you should throw rocks at them

Granted, this whole thing is indeed my fault and I do realize that.

If I were the kind of person who was more open, who discussed what he was thinking and feeling, who let others into his life then I wouldn't be having these problems. But as it is, I keep everything bottled up inside me or don't think that the other person really wants to hear about my problems. Eventually, this line of reasoning always comes back to bite me in the arse...I should have learned that last time and remembered the lesson.

So I forgot to tell the guy that I am dating that I am going out of town for a week. In and of itself that is not maybe a really big deal, but when it is compounded on top of his pre-existing feelings of my inability to share or let him into my life...I think it was the final straw.

I have been dating J. for 4 months now and he has yet to come to my apartment. I have yet to invite him to my apartment. Not that I am particularly ashamed of it or have anything to hide, but his apartment is nicer and he has cable. I have also been rather stressed out lately over end of the semester school work and when I get stressed I become even more quiet than normal. Also, J. was my refuge away from school drama and those obligations...why would I want to talk about them in my safe place?

Anyway, these situations seemed to pile up culminating in my surprise trip....the moral of the story is that I am not allowed to contact J. for 3 weeks. Rightly so, he was upset and felt like he was dating a stranger; I am supposed to be deciding what I want, if I want him, if I want a relationship with him or just to be friends. While I think that the 3-week hiatus is a little uncalled for and things could have been easily resolved, this is what has happened.

Now that the semester is over and my stress level is greatly reduced, I feel much better, much more able to be open, and I am missing him terribly....and I still have 2 weeks to wait.

I know what I want (as I have always known) but moving to another country in 4 months makes things rather awkward. We can't get too serious since I am leaving, but I can't sit at home alone for the next 4 months either. I don't know what the future holds but I know who I want to spend my time with now.

Life moments

I was told last night by a guy whom I slept with once that he was HIV+ and that I needed to get tested. My appointment is in 5 days and it will be a couple of days after that that I find out the results. This next week and a half is going to be hard...really hard.

The last 24 hours have not been the best. Naturally, there is little else I can do but think about it. What if? What if I am positive? What will this mean in my life? How will I tell people?

Thankfully, I have a fantastic group of supportive friends. Having them there just to listen--even though there isn't anything they can really say to comfort me--makes a real difference. A friend of mine is HIV+ and just telling him today somehow made me feel a lot better. He has gone through what I am going through and still going through so much of it, but he has a life and is healthy and happy. I know it isn't a death sentence anymore like it was 10-15-20 years ago and who knows what will happen in the next 10-15-20 years.

It is surprising how much better I feel tonight. I am not quite so all-consumed with worry. There is nothing I can do now about anything. No amount of worrying will change my blood...no matter what it does or doesn't contain.

No matter what the outcome these current two weeks will change my life.