End of the line

I saw D Tuesday for lunch and everything seemed fine. I even told him about J not talking to me for periods of time because I had made him mad and then how his not talking to me freaked me out some. He apologized for that, but I should have seen it as a sign. If he was truly interested then, yes, he would have invited me to concerts, lunches, out for drinks to meet his friends...but nothing.

Wednesday night he came over to tell me that although he thought I was fantastic and hot that he still didn't feel "it." I took it very well and then we went to have ice cream....and then came back here and had sex.

I know I had doubts about the relationship as well, but I was willing to give it the Summer and an extended period of time of us spending some time together. I just don't feel like we were given a chance. After we met I was home for a month, then he was gone, and then the last 2 weeks he had the music workshop; in reality, we have only had about 2 weeks of actual dating and the opportunity to see each other. I didn't think I was that into him, but for the last 2 days I have felt like crap and wasn't able to eat anything the day after. I guess I had fallen a little bit harder than I thought.

I still can't quite figure it out, though. I was/am not sure of my feelings toward him, and yet my brain had projected into the future all of the things we would do together. Maybe I am not as upset about the loss of D, himself, but about the loss of what he stood for and what he brought to my life. Its the loss of all of those future plans that is also hard to take. I had convinced myself that he was the perfect man for me: a grad student with similar, but not identical, interests and we shared a lot of other interests that would have brought us together.

Maybe the way I feel is how everyone feels when someone tells them that it isn't working. I have never really known that before: things with DM sort of fizzled away, I broke up with SM, and JU is another whole story, which also just sort of went away without anyone saying much. I have never actually been dumped. Maybe these are the thoughts that always run through the dumpee's head. It probably also isn't good for me to hold on to the hope that things might change one day or he might realize that he made a mistake...you never know what the future holds, but I have to let that go and if it happens, then we will see what develops then, but if it doesn't happen, then I am crushed all over again.

The main thing is: again, I am alone. Maybe I am one of those people who functions better in a relationship, or at least with a codependent friendship like I have with C.