I don't want to be bitter and these events (by and large) are no one's fault and there is no blame to place.
Another grad student, with who I am actually very good friends, is currently working for our mutual advisor. This is not so bad, except for a few things: 1) the research he is doing is in my subject area. This man does architecture and sculpture and yet the research is dealing with manuscripts...MY research area. It would have been nice if I had the opportunity to work on this project and with our advisor. I don't know how he scored this position and it happened while I was out of town, so I really can't be mad. Half of these research positions is being at the right place at the right time...clearly, he was while I was in Dallas. 2) Also, the money for the position would have been very nice to earn. This other guy is VERY WELL funded and does not need to worry about money...some of us are not so lucky. The money would have been nice.
This other graduate student is also presenting a paper at an upcoming academic conference, the title of which is drawn directly from a comment I made about his paper when we were in class together and a suggestion on the direction his research might take. I am not taking responsibility for his work, but it would have been nice if he mentioned (at any point in the last 5 months that we have spoken) that my comment turned his research around and helped him to break new ground. The conference awards $1500 to the best graduate student paper (and 2 awards of $1000 for the next 2 best) and knowing his luck and work, he will get $1500.....oh good, more money.
I don't want to be bitter...I'm just a little frustrated.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
The New Boy
Several weeks ago...well, over a month now, I met DDB at an academic conference. We went out for dinner and chatted over the several days of the conference and never quite made it to the final banquet. We were busy doing other things. After our 5-day beginning I left for home for a month. It ended up being good because we each had a lot of work to get done and we would not have accomplished this if we were together, but we did email almost daily and talked a couple of times on the phone. I anxiously checked my email multiple times every day just incase he had emailed me.
Now I am back and he is gone for a couple of days. We did manage to see each other for an hour before he left town. It was very good to see him. I wondered when I was at home what it would be like to see him again. Our meeting was so whirlwind that I have to admit that I had doubts regarding how I would feel upon seeing him again. I was so excited to see him and it felt good to just talk to him face-to-face. In some ways while I was home he felt like a dream; my life here did not see quite real while I was back home and he was part of that life. Its a funny thing.
Of course, now he is gone for 3 more days. I would like to be in town with him for several days at a time so we can work out some sort of regular schedule of seeing each other and fit each other into our real lives. As it is, so far we have always been rushed to see each other, to talk, or spend time together. I can't wait to just be able to sit with him and not worry about running off somewhere, to spend a day together to see how we get along over an extended period. I want to know how this is going to go and how well we get along in the real world. I know that is a lot to ask for, but I just want a real life and to have him as part of that. Who knows if we will last the month or the Summer or the year but I think we are each willing and interested to find that out.
Now I am back and he is gone for a couple of days. We did manage to see each other for an hour before he left town. It was very good to see him. I wondered when I was at home what it would be like to see him again. Our meeting was so whirlwind that I have to admit that I had doubts regarding how I would feel upon seeing him again. I was so excited to see him and it felt good to just talk to him face-to-face. In some ways while I was home he felt like a dream; my life here did not see quite real while I was back home and he was part of that life. Its a funny thing.
Of course, now he is gone for 3 more days. I would like to be in town with him for several days at a time so we can work out some sort of regular schedule of seeing each other and fit each other into our real lives. As it is, so far we have always been rushed to see each other, to talk, or spend time together. I can't wait to just be able to sit with him and not worry about running off somewhere, to spend a day together to see how we get along over an extended period. I want to know how this is going to go and how well we get along in the real world. I know that is a lot to ask for, but I just want a real life and to have him as part of that. Who knows if we will last the month or the Summer or the year but I think we are each willing and interested to find that out.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Boys!!!
This post is slightly after-the-fact, but needs to be said.
My first year of PhD is now over and I am home for a couple of weeks. My first Sunday here I had a belated birthday party for myself. There were about 15 people there. J said he was coming but then didn't show up, didn't text, didn't email, didn't do anything. I assumed that something "more important" came up or that something happened to prevent him from coming so I let him alone to contact me when he could. Several days later I get a bitchy message about why I haven't contacted him. Me contact him? He is the one who no-showed my birthday and yet I am somehow at fault for this?
C, Ju and A all say that his actions are a clear indication of his feelings for me. For a long time they have thought that I was always there for him more than he was for me and that it really was a one-sided relationship. They are probably right, even though I saw a different side of him than what they have experienced through me.
Even so, if he wanted to talk to me then he could have contacted me. I replied to his message but haven't heard anything back. We are each so stubborn that neither will give in first, but I am tired of always being the one who gives in. Who accepts the blame for things that aren't my fault just to keep the peace. Its easier to appease him and move on with life than actually fight for what I feel...but I am now tired of that. I am tired of always being made to feel like I am always wrong and do things intentionally to hurt him.
I hate to think that our friendship is over and I have a lot of baggage worrying about him, but there are some new things happening in my life that make me want to move forward.
Several weeks ago I met D at MAA. He is sweet and funny and smart and totally cute. He isn't someone that you stare at from across the gym and think, "Wow, he is fucking hot," but then neither am I. Physical appearance has never been the first thing I have gone for anyway; the personality and brain have always been more attractive to me than large biceps. It was a whirlwind couple of days; we talked frequently and never made it to the closing banquet of the conference. ;-) I am trying not to fall too hard too quickly, but it is difficult. After getting to know him the little bit I have I am very attracted to him and find him absolutely enthralling. I can now say that he is hot.
When I return home in a couple of weeks I am very much looking forward to seeing him again and seeing what develops when we spend a real amount of time together. I know we are both interested in seeing where this goes and I am very excited about the possibilities.
My first year of PhD is now over and I am home for a couple of weeks. My first Sunday here I had a belated birthday party for myself. There were about 15 people there. J said he was coming but then didn't show up, didn't text, didn't email, didn't do anything. I assumed that something "more important" came up or that something happened to prevent him from coming so I let him alone to contact me when he could. Several days later I get a bitchy message about why I haven't contacted him. Me contact him? He is the one who no-showed my birthday and yet I am somehow at fault for this?
C, Ju and A all say that his actions are a clear indication of his feelings for me. For a long time they have thought that I was always there for him more than he was for me and that it really was a one-sided relationship. They are probably right, even though I saw a different side of him than what they have experienced through me.
Even so, if he wanted to talk to me then he could have contacted me. I replied to his message but haven't heard anything back. We are each so stubborn that neither will give in first, but I am tired of always being the one who gives in. Who accepts the blame for things that aren't my fault just to keep the peace. Its easier to appease him and move on with life than actually fight for what I feel...but I am now tired of that. I am tired of always being made to feel like I am always wrong and do things intentionally to hurt him.
I hate to think that our friendship is over and I have a lot of baggage worrying about him, but there are some new things happening in my life that make me want to move forward.
Several weeks ago I met D at MAA. He is sweet and funny and smart and totally cute. He isn't someone that you stare at from across the gym and think, "Wow, he is fucking hot," but then neither am I. Physical appearance has never been the first thing I have gone for anyway; the personality and brain have always been more attractive to me than large biceps. It was a whirlwind couple of days; we talked frequently and never made it to the closing banquet of the conference. ;-) I am trying not to fall too hard too quickly, but it is difficult. After getting to know him the little bit I have I am very attracted to him and find him absolutely enthralling. I can now say that he is hot.
When I return home in a couple of weeks I am very much looking forward to seeing him again and seeing what develops when we spend a real amount of time together. I know we are both interested in seeing where this goes and I am very excited about the possibilities.
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