Feelings....nothing more than feelings

Can you be held responsible for other's feelings? If a comment you make is misunderstood or your intention is mistaken and this leads to someone getting hurt...is their fault to be placed?

Talking to J. everything was fine until at a certain point I don't even know what I said but J. thought I was making fun of him and got upset. I don't even know what I said but it was never my intention to be make fun of him. Why would I do that? Why would I make fun of the man I love???

And this is not the first time we have gone through this either. It has happened before and I worry about everything that I say in case it sets him off.

He thinks I was making fun of him, but that was never my intention and I don't think I was doing anything of the sort....I say that I am sorry it seemed like I was making fun of him but he is still upset. There is only so much I can do if he is upset and won't forgive me. I am supposed to see him tonight for New Years, but if he is still mad and doesn't want to see me then I guess that is that. Happy New Years!

I don't have that much time left in Dallas or that many opportunities left to see him. I don't want to spend what little time I have with him fighting or not speaking. I am tired of dealing with the nonsense and am just out of energy....and yet I don't want to do anything but see him. Ah, and therein lies the rub.

You can never go home again

I have only been in Toronto for 3 months (and I love it) but still was counting down the days until I came home for Christmas. I was/am so excited about seeing my friends and family again. The first couple of days back were really good, but driving around and visiting all of my old haunts again....I don't feel as much at home anymore. While I used to feel like a visitor in Toronto, now I feel like a visitor in Dallas. SMU felt different....Starbucks felt different somehow...even my old routines that I fell back into aren't quite the same. I know it is all part of growing up and changing and moving on with life, but the actual feelings associated with that are unsettling.

I saw J. Thursday night and took him to dinner for his birthday. It was wonderful to see him again and felt so good, but I was also very sad in a way. While talking I realized that our lives are going in two completely different directions. And while I don't think I ever thought our relationship was going to be permanent or was leading somewhere permanent, facing that idea was very difficult. He has so much going on in his life that is taking him far from the path he had planned that in a way I feel sorry for him because he has had to alter his dreams because of the actions of others. I am sure he doesn't regret it in the least, cuz that is the kind of guy he is, but it is still hard to watch others sacrafice their hopes and desires for others.

C. is dating someone now, too, even though he is in a touring show and lives in New York. C. is all giddy and lovestruck, which I am very happy for, but I am hoping that it works out and this man doesn't just see him as a temporary thing or a boy on the road. I don't think that is the case, but I still worry because C. has fallen so hard so fast. Again, whatever small dreams or hopes I had regarding C. have been crushed a little bit more because of this. I need to let go of these dreams and hopes that won't come true so I can truly move on with own life, but I have always like living in fantasy better than reality...things turn out there the way I want, and I like it that way.

Maybe this trip home will force me to focus more on myself and my life in Toronto rather than always looking back at what was or what might have been. I need to realize that life moves forward, not backward, and I need to start living like that.