More changes

This was my last week for softball. I'm going to miss it...it was so much fun and I surprised myself at how well I did. I am not that terribly bad 5th grader anymore. Who knew?!

After the game we went to Rowers for a few pints. While there and sitting with DDB he turned to me and said, "Wanna come home with me?" What was I going to say, No??? So of course after a little bit of time we leave together. I am sure everyone was talking. They are mainly his friends so he is the one who will probably have to deal with anything, if anything is ever said.

He made it clear that it was just "fun," which was actually find with me. I am not kidding myself that we are getting back together (no matter what is going on in my head). He was slightly drunk and horny and I was there; that is the beginning and end of the story. It was a good evening. We have always had fun in bed and it was nice to feel him again. And yet....we never sleep well when we are together. Even though we were in a big bed and not crammed into my twin, we were both restless all night long. Odd. I usually haven't had trouble sleeping with guys before, whether I knew them or not, liked them or not, and yet with DDB it happens. Maybe that is some greater sign of our real feelings for each other. I'd to think that that isn't the case, but the fact that both of us do it makes me wonder.

When we were together I didn't feel like everything was perfect; I didn't have those feelings of ecstasy that come with being with the person you are in love with, so I know I am not really in love with him...and yet, when he is not around I think about him constantly. Maybe I only want him because he apparently doesn't want me, except for the odd night of fucking. We always want what we can't have. I need to get over it and him for my own sake.

I am going back home this week, but first going to DC and Baltimore for Rare Book School. So excited!! And I am going to look at blockbooks at the LC. It should be a great week. The home for 2 weeks then back up here before school starts again. I am sure while I am home I will see JU, and I know what I would like to happen between us but I am just speaking for myself, even though he has hinted at the same thing. Maybe getting fucked by someone else will help get DDB off of my mind. Can't wait for the Mexican food either. And going to get to see CWE in his stage debut. Should be a nice trip home.

While home I need to tell mom and dad that I am gay. When I was home earlier in the Summer I imagined doing it so I could tell them about D, but since that isn't the way it will be now....AND I have to tell them for me, not because of a boy. They need to know the truth and I need to tell them. I can't be afraid anymore. I have learned so much up here about myself and who I am that I have to be true to that and not revert to that scared little boy that I used to be.